100+ Things
HSN, you get an “A”- for asinine!
Have you ever watched the Home Shopping Network or the QVC channel? You know, they’re those channels where they peddle carnie crap. I watched it the other night and sat there utterly astonished, I couldn’t take my eyes off of the tv. Not because I was enthused by or excited to know more about the products I saw, but because it’s the butt ugliest, tackiest crap I have ever seen in my life! I’ve wracked my brain for days yet still have no idea where they find these clothes or the jewelry. Carnival dumpster was the only location that made any real sense.
I was completely floored when I heard the host describing these items. They used words like "awe struck", "awe inspiring", "amazing" and "vibrant" I almost fell out of my chair when they described these carnival prize throwbacks as "beautiful" and "stunning"! Who writes this lie laden shit!? If you haven’t witnessed the atrocity to fashion that is HSN or QVC, trust me when I tell you folks, nothing that I saw on those channels would come close to any of those descriptions. Well, I take that back. I was “awe struck”. Awe struck that my IQ dropped 50 points when watching that crap!
I found myself wondering (out loud), where in the hell do they find the asshats who host these shows? They have to be the pathetic background extras that make up every film currently coming out of Hollywood and Bollywood. Speaking of extras! There was a guy on the other night that had a 900 year old live (I use that term loosely of course) caller on the air gushing all over him. He was so excited because the caller had seen him in a movie. I thought “Wow! Maybe this guy really IS somebody! He must have a pretty extensive background you know, a broad portfolio in the world of acting” Ummmm, yeah, not so much. He couldn’t even remember the movie he was in! He stood there with a stupid look on his face mumbling and fumbling for words. It’s great television when these call ins make the hosts deviate from the script and they actually have to think. You begin to see their real personality (or lack of) slip through. All of a sudden he exclaims the name of the movie, but here’s the funny and oh so predictable part- he WAS an extra, perched on a street corner looking idiotic! Point made.
So they stand there, describing in detail each piece of hideous crap, making you think that this intestinal bile is not only the latest and greatest that you simply can not live without but also what all of the top models and stars are wearing- insinuating that you will be shunned by high society if you don’t immediately add it to your growing collection of HSN/QVC crap. Seriously, polls indicate that homeless people wouldn’t even consider wearing this trash. In January. In the artic circle.
A few sleepless nights ago they were selling sheets thrown on a bed that looked like a 5 year old made it. These were some of the most visually repugnant sheets and pillow cases that I have ever had my eyes assaulted by. They spent 20 minutes telling the viewing audience how gorgeous they were. You know what? They were selling them by the dozens! Who buys this stuff you ask? I found the answer to that burning question when I heard each of the callers. My extensive research watching these two channels for hours on end, mutilating my brain to bring you this review reaped the answer; everybody in the demographic of oh, I don’t know, 2 days older than Christ.
Each evening I found myself wandering back to these channels. I watched as one would if they’d stumbled upon a train wreak or multi car pile up. They had on what they called "panties". That word- "panties", it evokes images of "cute", "sexy", "pretty". The word "panties" is in no shape, way, or form synonymous with the words "size 300X". These weren’t panties, they were parachutes with leg holes cut in them! Oh, and to the host presenting the gargantuan “panties”, thanks for turning them inside out and rubbing your hand all over the 2 foot long crotch to emphasize the "breathable cotton"- that was an image stained so deep into my retinas bleach won‘t take it out. Honey, whatever ass you shove into those isn’t going to be breathing. In fact I wouldn’t hesitate to say, the crotch that will be buying those ain’t seen fresh air in a looooong time!
How can I sum this tragedy up? Ah yes! Now, on to the models. These poor women can only be described as rejects from the “Special” Miss America Padgett (minus the helmets). They have the creepiest, “I kick puppies for fun” smiles plastered across their wax like faces, all the while modeling clothing and jewelry that they wouldn’t be caught dead behind a dumpster wearing. They blink their mascara encrusted eyes in slow motion, move in slow motion, and turn in slow motion. Based on their movement, I can only assume that they have to heavily drug these pitiable women to actually get them in the clothes. I found myself wanting to yell at the television “Hey! Move your ass so we can get this crap over!” The sad thing about is, when it was finally over, I just couldn’t wait to watch the horror unfold the next night!
I’m thinking about filing a lawsuit against HSN. I want my 6 hours back!
I was completely floored when I heard the host describing these items. They used words like "awe struck", "awe inspiring", "amazing" and "vibrant" I almost fell out of my chair when they described these carnival prize throwbacks as "beautiful" and "stunning"! Who writes this lie laden shit!? If you haven’t witnessed the atrocity to fashion that is HSN or QVC, trust me when I tell you folks, nothing that I saw on those channels would come close to any of those descriptions. Well, I take that back. I was “awe struck”. Awe struck that my IQ dropped 50 points when watching that crap!
I found myself wondering (out loud), where in the hell do they find the asshats who host these shows? They have to be the pathetic background extras that make up every film currently coming out of Hollywood and Bollywood. Speaking of extras! There was a guy on the other night that had a 900 year old live (I use that term loosely of course) caller on the air gushing all over him. He was so excited because the caller had seen him in a movie. I thought “Wow! Maybe this guy really IS somebody! He must have a pretty extensive background you know, a broad portfolio in the world of acting” Ummmm, yeah, not so much. He couldn’t even remember the movie he was in! He stood there with a stupid look on his face mumbling and fumbling for words. It’s great television when these call ins make the hosts deviate from the script and they actually have to think. You begin to see their real personality (or lack of) slip through. All of a sudden he exclaims the name of the movie, but here’s the funny and oh so predictable part- he WAS an extra, perched on a street corner looking idiotic! Point made.
So they stand there, describing in detail each piece of hideous crap, making you think that this intestinal bile is not only the latest and greatest that you simply can not live without but also what all of the top models and stars are wearing- insinuating that you will be shunned by high society if you don’t immediately add it to your growing collection of HSN/QVC crap. Seriously, polls indicate that homeless people wouldn’t even consider wearing this trash. In January. In the artic circle.
A few sleepless nights ago they were selling sheets thrown on a bed that looked like a 5 year old made it. These were some of the most visually repugnant sheets and pillow cases that I have ever had my eyes assaulted by. They spent 20 minutes telling the viewing audience how gorgeous they were. You know what? They were selling them by the dozens! Who buys this stuff you ask? I found the answer to that burning question when I heard each of the callers. My extensive research watching these two channels for hours on end, mutilating my brain to bring you this review reaped the answer; everybody in the demographic of oh, I don’t know, 2 days older than Christ.
Each evening I found myself wandering back to these channels. I watched as one would if they’d stumbled upon a train wreak or multi car pile up. They had on what they called "panties". That word- "panties", it evokes images of "cute", "sexy", "pretty". The word "panties" is in no shape, way, or form synonymous with the words "size 300X". These weren’t panties, they were parachutes with leg holes cut in them! Oh, and to the host presenting the gargantuan “panties”, thanks for turning them inside out and rubbing your hand all over the 2 foot long crotch to emphasize the "breathable cotton"- that was an image stained so deep into my retinas bleach won‘t take it out. Honey, whatever ass you shove into those isn’t going to be breathing. In fact I wouldn’t hesitate to say, the crotch that will be buying those ain’t seen fresh air in a looooong time!
How can I sum this tragedy up? Ah yes! Now, on to the models. These poor women can only be described as rejects from the “Special” Miss America Padgett (minus the helmets). They have the creepiest, “I kick puppies for fun” smiles plastered across their wax like faces, all the while modeling clothing and jewelry that they wouldn’t be caught dead behind a dumpster wearing. They blink their mascara encrusted eyes in slow motion, move in slow motion, and turn in slow motion. Based on their movement, I can only assume that they have to heavily drug these pitiable women to actually get them in the clothes. I found myself wanting to yell at the television “Hey! Move your ass so we can get this crap over!” The sad thing about is, when it was finally over, I just couldn’t wait to watch the horror unfold the next night!
I’m thinking about filing a lawsuit against HSN. I want my 6 hours back!
Labels: Everyone's A Critic, Just Another Stupid Story, Rants Raves And Bitching In General
Posted by Aza at 9:02 PM::
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9 Thoughts On The Subject
Hey Aza, I do have to agree with you on this one! I did see some kitty sheets that I thought you might like !!! XOXOXOXO!
Pretty pretty panties.
You'd better do something about that insomnia, girl. Lack of sleep and bad television will make you hack someone to death with an axe, sooner or later.
(PS: You got Facebook? Join up so we can play Scrabble when we can't sleep)
I had an aquaintance that used to collect Hummel's. I think she bought every single one from HSN. Her house was filled top to bottom with the little figurines. Classic example of a shop-a-holic. HSN is to shopping as Vegas is to gambling! I'm surprised they haven't tried to bring out and sell the brown and orange kitchen chairs from the 70's that you know they've got stored in the back room!
Kojak- Hahahaha! I’m so going to make you post that story!
Lattégirl- Hack someone to death with an axe!? Latte, I’m disappointed in you, you promised that’d be our little secret!
Usually late at night I find myself surmising my plans for world domination (when I’m not hacking people). As for Facebook, I have no idea what that is but I’ve heard it mentioned around the net. Is it like MySpace?
Fire Fox- Now see? You’ve messed me all up now! I’m gonna have to watch for those damn chairs! Good Lord, I wish I’d tune in when they have something semi-cute like Hummel’s. Every time I wander over to either channel they’re showing butt ugly clothes and jewelry!
I think I’m beginning to see it more along the lines of- HSN is to Shopping as Lancing is to a Boils; disgusting and messy but incredibly necessary to a select portion of the populace.
ha ha! I totally agree - those channels are so tacky! I have to admit though that I like ShopNBC! They have cool electronics for a decent price! Thanks for stopping by my blog! Kojak was commenting on a previous template, though....do you like this one?? Thanks!!!!
e911- Damn! Now I’m going to have to look for that channel too!
As for your template, my apologies, I got a little verbose...
I love your header and layout! White text on really dark background tends to be very hard on the eyes after reading for a long period. The color of the text in the body of your posts appears to be a very light grey which is a good thing (I had to go with a light grey on my text (which still appears a bit too light in my opinion) but a much darker grey and black on Kojaks when I put together his blog), much easier on the eyes than solid white. Because my header theme is the moon and night, I went with grey’s and blue’s. Same with Kojak, he’s going with “The Thin Blue Line” theme which is black and deep blue (those colors alone won‘t work so I had to incorporate grey’s). Since your header theme is fire you could work with very dark reds, browns, yellows, and oranges; colors that look “hot” or “burnt”. I say “very dark” because if you went with a regular red on black it would come out looking almost neon- again, hard on the eyes. The orange you currently have up in your links is perfect, not too light for a black background but at the same time, not too dark. It commands attention but doesn’t whack your reader in the eyes while doing so.
Something Kojak mentioned is comments. He’s very new to the blogging world, as with a lot of newcomers the hook is the comments. Most readers love interacting with the authors. A good portion of the time they will initially come back not so much to see if you’ve posted something new but to see if you responded to their comment (which in turn will make them want to comment on your newer posts). It’s a great hook that turns folks into “regulars” on your blog. I’ve found myself going to some blogs strictly because of the comments- they tend to be even more funny, thought provoking, or insightful than the original post.
Anyway, you’re doing a great job! Your posts are funny and come across as expressing the frustration, in a very humorous way, of an extremely difficult career that a lot of people don‘t know much about (but would like to!) The layout looks good. As with any room in your home, you want it inviting to outsiders but ultimately it’s about what you like and just having fun! Keep up the good work!
*responds to author*
(Sometimes we're lazy, too, but we still type the annoying characters)
My husband installed one of those disgusting water saving shower heads, and I've been dying to get one of those "rain shower" ones. So I was flipping channels one Sunday and I saw them on QVC. While I'm on the cell waiting for my order to be completed, I'm listening to them tell how to install them. An older lady calls in...she must have been in her late 60's. She said, "I bought one of these for my elderly mother because it has the hand held shower. I also hear it's really good for having an orgasm." OMG...I LMAO! It was a male host and he couldn't have rushed her off the phone any faster if he tried...totally hysterical and best QVC moment EVER.
Latté Girl- It takes me forever but I always seem to get around to it sooner or later.
*goddess*- Holy hell that was one of the funniest and yuckiest things I’ve read in a long time! You get an A+++ for that rockin’ gross out!
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