Surreptitious Psychosis
A Peek In My Head...

Putting the "fun" in disfunctional since 1978!

Name: Aza
From: Florida, United States

I reject your reality and substitute my own

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IM: Surreptitious_Psychosis (yahoo)

The Other Day I Said...

*tap, tap, tap*

Pass the Depends please…

Dinner for 10 (small villages)...

Wow, I really needed that!

Hell hath no fury like an Aza scorned!

And you thought you had it rough!

Who turned on the cool?

Thanks for nothing Fay! And an open letter to a sc...

A sad day for comedy indeed

Another post about ta-ta's

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    Friday, March 31, 2006

    Some shitbag tried to shoot me last night

    I really wish the title to this post was a joke but it’s not.

    D and I were driving down I295 heading toward our exit to grab a bite to eat after shopping. D was driving, I was passenger. It was around 11:30pm. We were in the far right lane (read: the slow lane). The far left land and the middle lane were wide open. No cars. My car was traveling behind a Frontier.

    D looks up in the rear view and his eyes go wide. “I think that guy is going to hit us!”. I turned around and saw a car coming up on us doing at least 80mph. We are riding at 65mph. The guy behind us rides up on us at brake neck speed and then slams on brakes to avoid hitting us. This shitbag is a foot off our bumper and starts to swerve left then right, back and forth. I told D to go around the truck in front of us and then get back into the far right lane before the guy behind us wrecks out. We get in front of the Frontier. The shitbag that was behind us drives off the road and into the grass twice. His dome light is on. All of a sudden he yanks his car out from behind the Frontier and back behind us nearly driving us off of the road. Our exit is coming up and D starts to get off of the interstate. Shitbag exits with us, still a foot off of our bumper. I'm starting to get scared now and ask D what the hell this guy is doing, he doesn't take his eyes off the rear view. I turned around in my seat and held my hand up gesturing for him to go around us since we obviously weren’t going to go 80mph down the exit ramp. D tells me to stay still and stop turning around. After exiting, D gets into his far left lane so we can turn into our destination. Shitbag is STILL a foot off of our bumper. D decides not to turn and continues down the boulevard to the next light. D gets in the left turn lane and stops at the red light. My window was half way down as shitbag is still in the straight lane passing the turning lane were we’re sitting. It looks like he's going to go through the intersection- I'm thinking at this point the weird situation over. He is now directly next to my car when I hear “Fuck you, bitch!” and see the muzzle of a pistol. He is now 10 feet in front of my car when a hand from the passenger side grabs his wheel; he is turning back to aim at me (his fucking passenger is fucking helping him try to fucking shoot me!!!!). I began to slide sideways and grab for D with my left arm, (shitbag is now 20 feet ahead of my car) as I’m doing this I see a flash and hear the gun go off. D looks at me and his eyes look nuts. He is in the beginning stages of losing his fucking mind. He starts screaming and cursing “That shitbag just tried to shoot you!!!”. He did a 50mph U-turn and actually tried to follow shitbag. I threw the car into neutral and grabbed the emergency brake. D starts screaming at me. I’m screaming at D. “People with pistols don’t carry one fucking bullet, D!” I (the intended target) am sitting in a car with a crazed husband that wants to kill the shitbag that just shot at his wife. D throws the car into drive I throw it into park. This happens two or three times. D jumps out of the car screaming. I am screaming at him to get back in the fucking car (For all I know shitbag turned around and wants to finish what he started and now D is standing beside the car making a target out of himself). D starts to get back in the car when he looks down and sees the tire going flat. This sends him into a whole new rage.

    He limps the car into a parking lot and calls 911. Cops are everywhere within minutes, looking over my car for a bullet hole and looking for the shitbag that shot at me. D begins to change the tire the cops are taking statements from both of us. I specifically asked the fucking cop to tell D that chasing after shitbags with guns isn’t a really good idea. Ya know what the cop says to me!!!??? “Well I understand where he’s coming from. If it were my wife I would have done the same”

    Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!!!! If D had gone after the guy I probably wouldn’t be here, now, writing this goddamnit! Or worse HE would have gotten shot. So I ask “Am I the only person with any common sense here or is this just a ‘penis-thing’?” The cops went so far as to explain to me how men react to situations like that. “His instinct was to go after what threatened his wife”. What did I say? “Well stop the fucking car and let the fucking target out before you decide to ‘go after’ the fucking threat!!!” After taking a breath I asked the cop what could have prevented this. He said that when I gestured for the shitbag to go around us he may have thought I was flipping him off. He went on about road rage and a few things to prevent it in others. Don’t make eye contact, keep the windows up if someone starts acting stupid, etc., etc., etc.

    Now it’s 12:30 at night, we’re driving home, I’m shaking like a leaf and D is apologizing for yelling at me. We get home and go to bed. Being shot at has still not fully ‘sunk in’ for me.

    Sidenote: D and I have been together for 11 years now, 9 of which married. I’ve only see him that angry on one other occasion; after he and I were robbed at gunpoint at my last job 5 years ago. Long story short; it was closing time when two masked men ran in, put a gun to my head and gun to D’s head and ordered everyone to the ground. After they got the money and ran out, D ran out jumped in his car, called 911 and informed the dispatcher that he was going to “run the motherfuckers over that threatened to kill us”. D is normally a calm man. He does not raise his voice, he does not freak out and he does not lose his temper. Last night was obviously an exception.

    Today: D got up early and took my car to the shop. Apparently the bullet went through my triple tread, reinforced sidewall tire. It entered on the inside sidewall and exited the outside sidewall (leaving a nice chunk taken out of my rim in the process). I went to work. D went to work. I’m sick, just plain fucking sick over what happened.

    $150.00 dollars for a new tire and a bit of an inconvenience or $10,000.00 dollars for a funeral and the loss of a husband or wife; I’m glad I just had to buy a new tire today.

    Hand to God, I honestly believe that if D had gotten into the first left turn lane when the light was red, shitbag would have pulled up directly beside us and shot me or D in the head.



    Wednesday, March 29, 2006

    Brief stints of retardation can shock your brain into brilliance

    Moving on to this morning….

    I wake up from one hell of a bad dream at 9am feeling very out of sorts. Out to the back porch I go, rubbing my jaw with a cup of Sprite in hand. I plopped down and midway through my cigarette it dawns on me. My jaw hurts because I’m probably grinding my teeth again. *sigh* TMJ, welcome back into my life. I guess my stomping around woke D up because a bit later he emerged from the back door rubbing his eyes. I jumped right in to telling him all about my revelation. “Hey! I think I know why my jaw has been hurting so bad! I think the TMJ is back!” (I still feel weird, like I've forgotten something very important. No, it's just the bad dream.) I see him trying to digest this while at the same time trying to position himself out of the direct blinding sunlight. “Well hon” he says “You’ve been under a ton of stress; those temporaries are driving you nuts, my work schedule is driving you nuts and that big test you have to take Monday……….” He paused. “What?” I asked. “Uh, today is Wednesday, right?”. At this point I’m straining to follow his line of logic, “Yeah, so?” “Aza, you didn’t go to class this morning”. Blinking hard to understand this new train of thought,….*bam* it hits me, ”Oh shit!” I came back inside, ate some pudding and went back to bed.

    How could I forget that I had class today!!?? I’m not doing well in this class, I’m trying to get ready for a major test Monday and we’re one month away from the term ending. This class is constantly on my mind. Not today apparently. Today my brain decided to give me the finger.

    So there it is. D chalked it up to stress. I think something more sinister is at work. Paranoid? Maybe. Or maybe my brain is planning a full scale revolt. Could this have anything to do with all of the Ensure I’ve been drinking on my liquid diet? Elderly people drink Ensure. Elderly people tend to be forgetful. Do I see a conspiracy theory that somehow involves Ensure in its infancy? I feel like there’s a dim light struggling to come on within a deep black void.

    Now I'm waiting for the brilliance.



    Lemons make great lemonade

    We’ll start with last night…

    At 1am I’m on the phone with Ms. T, she is driving to Atlanta to pick up her new beau. Mind you, I as well as another friend warned her, “Georgia cops will give you a speeding ticket in a New York minute.” earlier in the evening (around 10:30 or so). So now it’s just after 1am and Ms. T is telling me about the speeding ticket she just got (while still in FL.) for going 8 miles per hour over the posted speed limit. After getting off of the phone and into the shower I start thinking about how she could have made that $83 ticket really worth her while. I have done this. If I’m going to get a ticket at least I’m going to have a good story to tell behind it. My intended goal is to either A/ Get away with as much as possible without getting myself tossed in the pokey or B/ At least make the cop laugh and give him/her a good story for his/her buddies about the nut case he/she pulled over on a Wednesday at midnight. Example; Had I been pulled over one of the following would have happened…

    1/ Since it’s “the middle nowhere” type Fl. Highway: cop walks up, before he/she can say a word I blurt out frantically “I know I was going 8mph over the speed limit, I have no problem with taking the ticket, could you watch my car and keep an ear out for me, I have to tinkle and saw the movie Deliverance and was scared to pull over and potty, I’ve got to go RIGHT NOW!!!” (All of this would be said while doing the adult version of the pee-pee dance)

    2/ After accepting (signing for) the ticket asking if Rosco Pico was on shift.

    3/ After, while or during accepting (signing for) the ticket saying “Hey, betcha can’t guess what song this is.” then start to hum the banjo side of Dueling Banjo’s. (or the theme from “In The Heat Of The Night” or “The Andy Griffith” song)

    4/ After accepting (signing for) the ticket saying “Hey, would you mind if I took your pic with my cell phone? I’m so going to blog about you when I get home and I’d really like my readers to see this experience as vividly as I am.”

    5/ After, while or during accepting (signing for) the ticket saying “No hard feelings, right?” (as stupid as this one sounds, I’ve used it and it cracked the cop up that pulled me over)

    Anyway, you get the point. You might be asking yourself “Where are the cheap donut references?” 1/ They’re offensive and 2/ Those went out in the 80’s and I refuse to use them.

    Keep in mind, if I get busted for speeding, that’s my own damn fault. My intention is not to piss cops off but to make the experience as memorable as possible for all parties involved.



    Tuesday, March 28, 2006

    All I want for Easter is my six front teeth

    The lab is sticking it to me. My permanent crowns may (!!!!) be ready by the 31st. A lot of fucking good that does me- my dentist is closed on Friday’s.

    Another week (and weekend) with the temporaries.
    Another week (and weekend) of popping the damn things.
    Another week (and weekend) of no solids.

    The liquid diet continues (to grow very old). I’m so sick with life at the moment. I’d give my eye teeth (hardy-fuckin-har-har) for a Somoa.

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    Friday, March 24, 2006


    My friend from VA called this evening with very bad news. His kitty, Gideon had to be put to sleep today. VA and I had been speaking for the last week or so about Gideon and a recent vet visit that ended with him waiting on test results to come back. Yesterday those results came back and Gideon went in again for more testing. He stayed overnight and was not doing well at all when VA went to visit him this afternoon. The second batch of test results were in and confirmed that Gid was in advance stages of kidney cancer. Gid was in pain so VA and his vet made the only decision they could.

    VA has been hit with three major losses in three years; 2004 his father died, 2005 his mother died and now (the only thing he had left) Gid.

    I’m so terribly sad for him and very worried about how he’s going to cope. This all happened so fast; it was completely unexpected. He didn’t sound well when we spoke. He said that the situation hadn’t really hit him yet. I know he doesn’t work this weekend so he’ll be there alone trying to deal. I also know that Gid was/is such a major part of his world. I told him I’d try not to make a pest of myself but would stay in close contact and if he needed anything to call regardless of the hour.

    I’m praying for him and Gid.

    I’m worried.


    Thursday, March 23, 2006


    Today I’ve reached the one week mark with these damn temporaries. (My permanents should be in within the next seven days at most.)

    Today I woke up with my mouth hurting like hell.

    Today is the fourth time I’ve popped a crown. (If the third time was a charm, the fourth time just pissed me off.)

    Today I paid bills. (Tomorrow when they clear my account I’ll be even more broke than I am today.)

    Today I spoke with my boss who informed me I’ll be working with Imp tomorrow. (More on Imp later.)

    Today I have a ton of homework to do.

    Today I’m just plain BLAH.

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    Monday, March 20, 2006

    I can not be trusted with scissors

    The title of this post shouldn't surprise anyone.

    I'm getting ready to take a shower when it dawns on me "Geez, my bangs sure are getting long". Now keep in mind- handing me scissors is like handing a three year old scissors and saying "You need a hair cut, have fun!".

    My dad taught me a long time ago when building things to measure twice, cut once. This rule obviously does not apply to my world when I have scissors in hand and am standing in front of a mirror. To make a long chopped up story a bit shorter, afterward I got on the phone and called for the short bus to pick me up and take me to work later today. Simply put- I look like Moe from the three stooges when his bangs were cut half way up his forehead.

    The rest of the hair on my head is safe- its length is below mid-back and is difficult to reach (read: chop).

    It's now 2:45 in the morning and I'm grieving for the loss of my hair and the depth of my stupidity.

    D had to work 3rd shift both Saturday and Sunday. He has Monday and Tuesday off and of course, I'm working today from 1 to 9pm. This 'Sleepy Time Extra' tea needs to kick in and I need to go to bed.



    Sunday, March 19, 2006

    Another one bites the dust

    Just popped another crown. I should buy stock in "Re-Cap It". Note to all interested: I don't know what the main ingredient in the bondant is (I threw away the packaging) but it hurts (and stinks) like hell after you've put the crap inside the crown and re-seated it. I'm talking stabbing damn near eye watering pain here. It takes between 1 and 3 hours for it to set so for one to three hours your mouth tastes and smells like shit. Then to top it off for the first 30 to 45 minutes (as mentioned above but mentioned again for good measure) hurts like hell.

    My "1pm" business meeting today was in actuality at 3pm. Yes, I'm a dumbass. I was two hours early to the meeting. I walk into the office, see the sign that's been posted on the office door for two weeks saying "Saturday 3/18 Mandatory office meeting @ 3pm. All employees must attend". So, I picked up my paycheck, went to the bank, dropped off a movie at the video store and went to the grocery store to buy soup. By then I'd wasted an hour and a half so I headed back to work for the meeting. Two hours of policy and procedure bullshit and one hell of a headache later I was on my way to pick up more soup from Hovan (an awesome Mediterranean restaurant).

    Today, tomato Basil. Tomorrow, Lentil. The day after, Campbell's Green Pea. *sigh*

    I didn't need to use my picture today (though I did show it to my boss when she said "It wasn't nearly as bad as you thought it'd be, right?"). Ahhhh, a picture really is worth a thousand words. I have to work Monday and Wednesday this coming week so maybe I'll get to use it then; here's hoping.

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    Friday, March 17, 2006

    Happy St. Patty's day and Something tastes like what cat shit smells like!

    First- Happy St. Patricks Day to all. My Great, Great Grandfather Murphy came to America after the potato famine of Ireland, so here his descendant sits contemplating her roots and excusing her shitty temper with "Fuck off, I'm Irish" slogans running through her mind.

    Second- I awoke to a rather unpleasant thought today (SURPRISE!!!); "Something tastes like cat shit smells! Was I dining from the cat box in my darvocet induced sleep!?" I came to realize that it was that "day after major dental work" funk lingering in my mouth. My next thought was "Isn't this taste supposed to take up residence in one's mouth the morning after St. Patrick's day?"

    The good news of the day is the swelling has gone down substantially which has in turn reduced the pain a bit and after reseating one of the crowns last night I've not had another pop off.....yet. The bad news is everything is ultra-sensitive and I can already see where soup, jello, pudding etc. is going to get very old very fast. I want solid food (in the form of Samoa Girl Scout Cookies).

    I have a business meeting to go to tomorrow at 1. I am armed. Armed with a photo. I know I'm going to hear at least one asshole tell me s/he went through something "similar" and was fine two hours later. Soooooooo, thinking in advance yesterday I took a picture with my cell phone in the middle of the "event" of all of my front teeth drilled to hell (they looked like fangs)- bleeding gums and all. Heh, I can't wait for said buttwad to come up and tell me all about how well it went for him/her. All I've got to say is (with horrific, disgusting, photo on cell in hand) "BA-RING IT smartass!!!!" I hope they enjoy a catered lunch after seeing it.

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    A new grill

    Here I sit, it's almost 2am and my mouth fucking hurts.

    Today was the dental "event" I wrote about in a previous post. Was/Is it the worst pain I've ever been in? No, far from it- but it's damned uncomfortable!

    A bit of history: I was given tetracycline as an infant and toddler regularly for ear infections. At that time the effects of this particular antibiotic on infants and expectant mothers was unknown. Here's a bit of info on it nicely summed up....

    -Tetracycline is a common antibiotic that is often used as an alternative to other antimicrobial drugs such as penicillin. Unfortunately, extended use of tetracycline, particularly in expectant mothers or children under the age of six, may cause permanent discoloration of the teeth. Characteristically, tetracycline stain presents as intense yellow, gray or brown bands, often causing long term psychological embarrassment through childhood, teenage and adult life.-

    What the above does not mention is that the teeth rapidly weaken and tend to easily break or crumble like chalk. Enamel/dentine breakdown, de-calcification and a need to supplement fluoride (beyond what regular toothpaste offers) is the long and short of it.

    So. Six of my front teeth were crowned today- from "canine" to "canine". Needless to was a loooong day and these temporary crowns suck, suck, suck! Anyone who has ever had a temporary crown knows what I'm talking about. They throw your bite off, are usually mis-shapen/cumbersome, fall out at the drop of a dime and in general are nothing like a permanent crown. If they're front teeth they also tend to fuck up your speech. Speaking of falling out; one of mine popped off three hours after I got home. Up to the local pharmacy I went to buy a temporary bondant to reseat the damn thing. How long must I endure this misery you ask? 10 to 14 days. My permanent crowns will come back from the lab in two weeks and hopefully life will return to a state of normalcy. Until then I'm on a liquid/soft food diet.

    I feel like shit- I'm going to lay down now.

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    Wednesday, March 15, 2006

    Interesting Health Fact and a personal thought on "forwards"

    Bet you didn't know this:

    Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving People a shitty outlook on life.

    If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your ass and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.


    Side note: I got the above forwarded to me from a friend and thought I'd share. For the most part I fucking hate forwards because they're usually one of four things;




    And finally the worst fucking one- #4/ "This REALLY happened" chain mail (-Insert bullshit story here- THIS REALLY HAPPENED AND IF YOU DON'T WARN 8 MILLION PEOPLE RIGHT NOW YOU'RE A DUMBSHIT THAT CAN'T SEE THAT IT COULD (read: Probably will) HAPPEN TO YOU OR SOMEONE YOU LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) bullshit.

    9 times out of 10 after reading a #4 type forward I will go to snopes. com or urban, see that it's bullshit and forward the TRUTH attached to the bullshit to all 8 million people that got it sent to them along with me. Included with the TRUTH will be the following- a 2 page long rant about people not taking the time to check their facts, wasting fucking bandwidth, taking up MY inbox space with stupid factless bullshit and wasting my (and other people's) fucking time, and a link to snopes or urban legends begging people to check the facts before clicking "Send".

    So there's that. I don't mind funny or meaningful forwards from people who know me and know what I dig but really,... the bullshit has got to stop- so it does,.... at my inbox.



    Friday, March 10, 2006

    Random Happenings

    Just a quick entry before work and a few "notes to self" to elaborate on later.

    D's vacation is going. He's been doing homework everyday for at least 3 hours a day since his vacation started. Today he's breaking on it to work on the car. He found out last night that he'll be off until Tuesday then, back to work.

    Speaking of work, I'm working all weekend, including today. I'd love to go into more detail as to how it's going and specifically dedicate a post to a pharmacist I like to refer to as Imp. However, I simply don't have the time.

    School is a whole story in itself. I've not put in for that W grade yet- I'm hanging just a bit longer for a number of reasons (the first being; I like to torture myself and am a glutton for punishment).



    Friday, March 03, 2006

    Yep, I changed the name...

    though the URL remains the same. I think I like it that way. I KNOW the title fits me better- for now anyway.....

    I think I'm going to add some links to linkalicious.

    There's so much going on in my head right now; at the moment I really don't feel like talking about it.


    Thursday, March 02, 2006

    20% 10% 70%

    20% happy goodness in life-
    ~The cookies have arrived (and are quickly going)! Down the pie hole they go in all of their sinfully, sugary, magically delicious, goodness and glory.
    ~I'm getting my first pay check from the new job tomorrow; bi-weekly pay sucks but cash is cash. I'm not sure if it's going to be a partial check due to my start day or a full check. I didn't ask; I wanted it to be a surprise.
    ~ Our tax return is due any day now and will pay off the Visa in full as well as pay for getting some work done on D's car.

    10% I can deal with that in life-
    ~Work is well, uh, work. I should be finished training by the beginning of this coming week. I still don't really know what the fuck I'm doing but I'm learning.
    ~Supposedly I'm going to another store as soon as I'm done with my training (Tuesday or Thursday maybe?). We'll see.

    70% I really don't need this shit in life-
    ~I know I failed the math test yesterday; or (since we're talking percentages here) at least I'm 98% sure I did. Halfway through it I went to the ladies room and had a minor "break down", collected myself after about 15 minutes and went back to it. Right now I'm not ruling out the possibility of just taking a "W" (withdrawal) grade in this math class for this term and re-taking it in the fall. I think I'll know more Wednesday.
    ~ D starts a 7 to 9 day vacation this Saturday. I say 7 to 9 days because we never know what his boss is going to pull. Now don't get me wrong, this vacation is seriously needed and deserved. He's overworked and underpaid for what he goes through on the job so this will really be a nice break for him. I use the term "break" loosely here; he's behind in his homework and the car needs to be worked on. His vacation fucking sucks for me. I'll either be at work or in school EVERY day of his vacation. We haven't been able to spend any real time together since I started this job. There is a silver lining here....Spring Break. Since I'm not working on Mondays and Wednesdays because of class and he's in class Tuesdays and Thursdays there is a good possibility that we will have at least one day off work and out of school in common (most of the time- like tonight, he has work on his school nights but I'm keeping my fingers crossed here).
    ~ I have dental surgery on the 16th. D has class that night and will also probably be working that day. This is not a minor dental 'event' mind you, this is a Aza's appointment is for 1pm and was told she'd be there until at least 5pm 'event'.

    In summary- I'm tired, depressed, nervous, scared, pissed off and confused but, Girl Scout cookies are wonderful things.

    Let's all sit back and be amazed.....20 + 10 + 70 = 100, well, at least we know I can fucking add. Now if I can get quadratic inequalities down I'll be fine. *rolling eyes*