Random thoughts at 4:10 in the am

4:10 to Yuma totally pissed me off. Why couldn’t it have been "Quarter after Yuma"? That's a way more interesting title because it makes even less sense than the movie. Oh wait, it was "No Country For Old Men" that pissed me off. Nevermind.

How come more black people don’t play professional golf?

My tummy hurts. Bad. It must have been the butter, dill doesn't disagree with me like this.

I would buy a cheap set of clubs and learn to play golf if I weren’t so damned aggressive.

What in the hell am I going to wear to Kojak’s award ceremony today? This guy needs to give the whole “nominated for everything under the sun” thing a rest. They should just give him the most awesome cop ever award and be done with it because I’m running out of suitable award ceremony attire ideas here. Why can’t I just go in my standard garb- jeans and a tee or sweats and a tank?

The new wild cherry and mint crunch M&Ms just plain rock!

Geez, pizza sure would be good right about now.

If I had dentures I would totally intentionally gross people out with them. I’d think up new and creative ways to make people inadvertently touch them.

I have got to finish 1 or 2 of the 800 half written posts I have collecting dust in my documents file.

HSN, you get an “A”- for asinine!

Have you ever watched the Home Shopping Network or the QVC channel? You know, they’re those channels where they peddle carnie crap. I watched it the other night and sat there utterly astonished, I couldn’t take my eyes off of the tv. Not because I was enthused by or excited to know more about the products I saw, but because it’s the butt ugliest, tackiest crap I have ever seen in my life! I’ve wracked my brain for days yet still have no idea where they find these clothes or the jewelry. Carnival dumpster was the only location that made any real sense.

I was completely floored when I heard the host describing these items. They used words like "awe struck", "awe inspiring", "amazing" and "vibrant" I almost fell out of my chair when they described these carnival prize throwbacks as "beautiful" and "stunning"! Who writes this lie laden shit!? If you haven’t witnessed the atrocity to fashion that is HSN or QVC, trust me when I tell you folks, nothing that I saw on those channels would come close to any of those descriptions. Well, I take that back. I was “awe struck”. Awe struck that my IQ dropped 50 points when watching that crap!

I found myself wondering (out loud), where in the hell do they find the asshats who host these shows? They have to be the pathetic background extras that make up every film currently coming out of Hollywood and Bollywood. Speaking of extras! There was a guy on the other night that had a 900 year old live (I use that term loosely of course) caller on the air gushing all over him. He was so excited because the caller had seen him in a movie. I thought “Wow! Maybe this guy really IS somebody! He must have a pretty extensive background you know, a broad portfolio in the world of acting” Ummmm, yeah, not so much. He couldn’t even remember the movie he was in! He stood there with a stupid look on his face mumbling and fumbling for words. It’s great television when these call ins make the hosts deviate from the script and they actually have to think. You begin to see their real personality (or lack of) slip through. All of a sudden he exclaims the name of the movie, but here’s the funny and oh so predictable part- he WAS an extra, perched on a street corner looking idiotic! Point made.

So they stand there, describing in detail each piece of hideous crap, making you think that this intestinal bile is not only the latest and greatest that you simply can not live without but also what all of the top models and stars are wearing- insinuating that you will be shunned by high society if you don’t immediately add it to your growing collection of HSN/QVC crap. Seriously, polls indicate that homeless people wouldn’t even consider wearing this trash. In January. In the artic circle.

A few sleepless nights ago they were selling sheets thrown on a bed that looked like a 5 year old made it. These were some of the most visually repugnant sheets and pillow cases that I have ever had my eyes assaulted by. They spent 20 minutes telling the viewing audience how gorgeous they were. You know what? They were selling them by the dozens! Who buys this stuff you ask? I found the answer to that burning question when I heard each of the callers. My extensive research watching these two channels for hours on end, mutilating my brain to bring you this review reaped the answer; everybody in the demographic of oh, I don’t know, 2 days older than Christ.

Each evening I found myself wandering back to these channels. I watched as one would if they’d stumbled upon a train wreak or multi car pile up. They had on what they called "panties". That word- "panties", it evokes images of "cute", "sexy", "pretty". The word "panties" is in no shape, way, or form synonymous with the words "size 300X". These weren’t panties, they were parachutes with leg holes cut in them! Oh, and to the host presenting the gargantuan “panties”, thanks for turning them inside out and rubbing your hand all over the 2 foot long crotch to emphasize the "breathable cotton"- that was an image stained so deep into my retinas bleach won‘t take it out. Honey, whatever ass you shove into those isn’t going to be breathing. In fact I wouldn’t hesitate to say, the crotch that will be buying those ain’t seen fresh air in a looooong time!

How can I sum this tragedy up? Ah yes! Now, on to the models. These poor women can only be described as rejects from the “Special” Miss America Padgett (minus the helmets). They have the creepiest, “I kick puppies for fun” smiles plastered across their wax like faces, all the while modeling clothing and jewelry that they wouldn’t be caught dead behind a dumpster wearing. They blink their mascara encrusted eyes in slow motion, move in slow motion, and turn in slow motion. Based on their movement, I can only assume that they have to heavily drug these pitiable women to actually get them in the clothes. I found myself wanting to yell at the television “Hey! Move your ass so we can get this crap over!” The sad thing about is, when it was finally over, I just couldn’t wait to watch the horror unfold the next night!

I’m thinking about filing a lawsuit against HSN. I want my 6 hours back!

300.........assholes!

We went to see 300 late Sunday night.

Now I remember why I hardly ever go to the theater and NEVER go to see a film opening weekend. People at movie theaters suck. They just freaking suck. They eat like pigs at trough, won’t shut the fuck up, accept and make cell phone calls/text messages during the movie, bring their 10 year olds to rated R films, half of them wouldn’t know a bar of soap if one was shoved up their smelly ass, the other half having bathed in cologne or perfume smell worse than French whores of the late 18th century, and in general they all just beg for a massive ass kicking.

300 is a two hour and ten minute film created by the folks who made Sin City. It was great!!!- violent, bloody, sexy, full of sweaty man parts, vicious….I loved it! It was a teeny-tiny bit chickish in some areas but the gratuitous sword/spear play, the detailed slow’moed chopping/hacking of blood spurting body parts made those few areas totally forgivable. In my ever so humble opinion, it was way better than Sin City cinematography-wise and completely made up for the chickfest Gladiator turned out to be story line-wise. Do NOT wait for it to be released to DVD; it is a theater "must see"!

My only complaint- I hated every single disrespectful, popcorn sucking, rude, loud talking, candy smacking, seat kicking, smelly asshole that was in the theater with me (which was all 300 of them) and wanted them all to take a shower, then drop dead so I could enjoy the movie in fresh smelling peace and quiet.

Otherwise, it was flipping awesome!!!

What are your plans tonight?

If somewhere along the line you didn’t say “My agenda includes going here to click on that which applies to me so I can listen to him“, then you’re not nearly as rockin’ cool as you think you are. Seriously. I’m not trying to be hurtful here, I’m just trying to impart a little truth in your world.

David‘s show rocks because he’s funny, he takes requests, he’s hot (so is his voice), and he is currently stalkerless (no, I don’t count). I would probably fit the stalker bill if I weren’t so incredibly lazy as I only had enough energy to cut the face out of all of the pictures of my ex-boyfriends and paste his face over them (it’s easier to remember dropping a hot guy rather than the usual geekin’ retard I dated). Anyway, that’s pretty much where I lost my stalking momentum. Yeah, it’s weak, I know.

Okay so to spell it out for you (since I know you’re too lazy to click on the above links) here are step by step instructions for my fellow shortbusiens…

1/ At midnight tonight, go to the WYEP stream page.

2/ Click on the stream you use.

3/ Listen to David rock out and entertain your brain.

Pass the popcorn, please

I’m not a movie review writer, I’m not a writer. That being said, please bear with me as I stumble through passing along my thoughts on the two movies I finally sat down and watched.






MirrorMask really was like a cracked out (but cool) version of Labyrinth. Well, minus David Bowie’s spandex clad unit (read: penis outline) (just making sure we‘re clear). Not much to say here other than it was a sweet film and I’m sure at 9 or 10 I would have named it a “favorite”.



Moving on…




American Movie (check out the website) was excellent! It is one of the best Indy films I’ve seen in ages. As David (Spiderbites, not Bowie) mentioned, the film really is about a modern day Ed Wood.

Directed by Chris Smith and co-produced by Michael Stipe (yeah, the lead singer in REM), this movie is an actual biography/documentary (which is hard to believe at times) that follows aspiring film director/producer/actor Mark Borchadt as he struggles to make his version of the “American Dream” a reality. Filmed in their hometown of Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin, we follow Mark for two years through his day to day trials and tribulations with not just himself and his attempt to obtain his dream but his family, friends and finances.

Within the first twenty minutes of the film’s start I had an overwhelming urge to give this poor guy a hug (and that’s saying a lot because I am so not a touchy feely person). I guess it’s because I know so many people like Mark (“the lead“) and I (at times) feel a lot like his friend, Mike Schank (“main supporting“)- a recovering drug/alcohol addict who would obviously walk through the gates of hell if Mark, his closest friend asked him to. Simply because they are friends and Mike believes in Mark’s vision.

The movie is at times heart wrenching- because it’s so easy to become attached to the cast of “characters” which are Mark‘s relatives and friends. But there lies the quandary- it’s not a movie and there are no “characters“ so to speak, you’re continually (but gently and seamlessly) reminded of the fact that it’s a biographical documentary. The old, crotchety, tight fisted, pessimist “Uncle Bill” isn’t an actor and he definitely isn’t acting. He really is Mark’s uncle. He really is an old, crotchety, tight fisted, pessimist. He’s real, in a very mortal sense.

Even though it’s heart wrenching at times to watch these struggles take place, it’s consistently real which aided it in being consistently laugh out loud funny. So it’s consistently really funny. I’d rob the film of what I believe was its intention if I didn’t mention that it was also incredibly inspiring…in a really weird way.

To sum it all up in a sentence: “I laughed, winced and laughed some more“. In a word: charismatic.

HA HA!

Keeping in mind that one man’s version of retarded is another’s version of genius….



You might think that Paul Reubens is one the smarmiest men on the planet (and I might agree based on his arrest history) but his alter-ego Pee-Wee Herman is pure comedy genius. He’s the cracked out human version of Spongebob Squarepants. It’s the little things in life, people. I feel like divinity smiled briefly upon me when I heard Adult Swim will be airing all of the Pee-Wee’s Playhouse episodes (starting July 10th). Can't believe it either? Click on Mr. Wee's face. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. What? You think it’s dumb? Well, I know you are, but what am I?! You handle your panic attacks however you want, jackass. I’ll handle mine with a little Pee-Wee.

I bought the box set

Cause I'm diggin' the Samurai Jack action!


Oh yeah, and because I'm a giant dork, that too.

Film therapy revisited

“The Ultimate Versus”
Excellent as expected (see two entries below). This one is not dubbed in English so a good portion of the hilarity is lost. However, the extended fight scenes were great. The epic fight lasted for what seemed like a quarter of the movie in the original. In the Ultimate version it seemed like it took up damn near half the movie. Very cool.

“Azumi” & “Azumi 2”
I wasn’t as impressed as I thought I’d be with these two. They were good movies, just not as full throttle as I was hoping for. On the plus side, part two picked up exactly where part one left off.

The two Takeshi Kitano films were a double disc.

“The Blind Swordsman: Zatoichi” and “Sonatine”
Kitano’s Zatochi is a remake of the old Zatochi films of the 50’s and 60’s. I loved it! It was ‘blind guy (with a sword) brings on the pain in the form of hell and havoc in the name of justice, meets River Dance’. Throw in a cross dresser and some really impressive sword play and you’ve got yourself a rockin’ little film (I shit you not. Rent it, you‘ll see what I mean)! How much did I love it? I bought it! The second film Sonatine really was like a Japanese “Goodfellas” hanging out on the beach. Weird but fairly good.

All in all I’d have to say my film therapy was a success. Aside from working my ass off Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and five hours of training sessions scheduled for today- I feel better. More movies got tossed on Aza’s critiquing table this evening when I returned those watched and paid a substantial late fee.

Up next we have….

“Date Movie”
“Princess Blade”
Another Kitano film “Hana-Bi” or “Fireworks”
And “Kibakichi”

Film Therapy

I wield my video rental card, I am renter! The movies I rented claw and fight over which one will enter the holy DVD player first. I am humbled by their eager desire to entertain me and liven my spirit.

Blah, blah, blah

Okay so I rented some ass kicking, sword wielding, gun toting Japanese flicks. I’m feeling the depression lift just thinking about them. Ever see the movie Versus? Best film on the planet. Why? Because its got zombies going postal,…. with swords.... and guns.... and ass kicking martial arts!!! It’s funny as hell with the English dub; the one liners are beyond priceless! The fight sequences are stunning (especially when one guy gets his head kicked off) and did I mention it’s really funny? What could possibly make all of this any better? The director (Ryuhei Kitamura) used the Lion King (yep, you read that right), Evil Dead and Highlander as inspiration in his film style (ie; lighting, camera angle, scene set ups/shots). He was inspired by Raimi with a hint of Romero. Pure effing genius people. It’s a visual shock opera! You MUST see it! I think I’m going to have a filmgasim just talking about it. I digress.

So I’ve got:

“The Ultimate Versus”
What’s the difference between the one I rented and the one I own? 10 honking ass kicking minutes! 10 more minutes of brilliance.

“Azumi”
I expect this to be just as satisfying to the palette. Why? Cause it’s made by the director of Versus! Yeah, baby!!!

“Azumi 2”
I’m not expecting as much from this one. I never hold high expectations from sequels. But still…chick with a sword goes postal.

Then two Takeshi Kitano films:

“The Blind Swordsman: Zatoichi”
Hello, he’s blind and he has a sword.

And “Sonatine”
Word has it this is like a Japanese “Goodfellas” type film.


Hi, my name is Aza, I’ll be fucking you up with my sharp cutlery and boomstick now. And I might even do it with my eyes closed!

Now Playing On A DVD Player Near You...

Aeon Flux: Yeah, it was okay. They could have stuck a little closer to the animated series (remember Liquid Television?) and made her a much bigger bitch. She wasn't nearly "La Femme" enough in my opinion.

18 Fingers Of Death: You've probably never heard of this one, it's an independent, (so naturally) I dug it. It was pretty much poking fun at current Kung Fu movies/actors. Forewarning: if you can't handle or appreciate a good n' shitty indie film, you'll hate it.

King Kong: CGI was nice however, there were a few poor backstory inserts. Which means: In the movie they gave you history on a particular character but did not move into telling that history seamlessly.

Fun With Dick And Jane: Eh, *shrug*. Wasn't too bad. I'd classify it under "rentable". Fire Marshal Bill really came out in this role.

Hostel: That nugget of crap got an entry all of its own (see below). I feel that I must add...If Hostel were toilet paper, I wouldn't wipe my dogs ass with it.

What a waste of life, space and time...

Hostel was all three.

Dr. Giggles meets Surviving The Game meets porn = Aza wanting to stick a hose in her DVD player to remove the shitty residue that dumbass movie left behind.

Best part of the movie?

The friggin' end!

I love sports!

The kick that won the game (and sold me on soccer)!

Filthy Stinking Humans!!!

Oh Yeah....
I love it.
I wanted it.
I bought it.
Now I can't wait for it.

"It" is ZIM!

I've been wanting this box set for two years now. I finally decided to do something nice for myself and buy it.

Note to self: Must buy Band Of Brothers box set next.