Finally, a chance to rest dear friend…

Your sudden absence in our lives has left our souls aching with grief. Yet we rejoice in the fact that we were blessed to have known you. The lessons you imparted to us in your laughter, kindness and compassion….. the grief is worth it. Thank you Val, I pray for your peace and comfort on the other side. You are so deeply missed.

Val “Rudy” Sweat
July 20th, 1966 - October 20th, 2006

Manic? Maybe…

Or maybe it’s “An idle mind is the devil’s playground”.

I have been in a funk. A restless, deep, dark, melancholy filled funk. So what have I been doing while submerged and cocooned within this funk? Everything. I put on my combat boots and declared war on it.

Knitting, working, going to the gym an hour a night faithfully, bitching at and about Whore-Hey, downloading dirty music to my MP3 for the gym, fantasizing about being a ninja (again) etc. etc. etc….

I think I’m just now beginning to find my footing. I actually got 4 solid hours of nightmare less sleep a few mornings ago.

A cathartic moment occurred at 3am three nights ago while sitting on the swing in my back yard, thong and tank top clad enjoying the coolness and stillness of the night. I’ve spent my life (literally) taking care of those around me. My dad and D would happily live the lives of 10 year olds eating fruit loops, snack cakes and coke if I didn’t go to the grocery store and insist on them consuming anything other than straight sugar (it‘s been a battle). Here lies the hypocrisy; I live off of straight sugar. I’ve survived on Sprite, the occasional candy bar and fast food- why? To maintain the energy level needed to run after and take care of all (not just D and dad) of the 10 year olds in my life.

So anyway, I’m sitting there two shades shy of naked when it dawns on me. The “More’s” and the “Lesses”. Since I’ve been going to the gym and wrapping my world in an even more frenzied lifestyle, I’ve been drinking water- more, I’ve been smoking- less (I do intend to quit- which I’m sure will bring on a whole new war between D and I) and I‘ve been taking the time to eat healthier foods- more. I’ve been looking in the mirror and hating the reflection staring back at me a little- less. When I sashay around scantily clad getting dressed to go somewhere and am unnoticed, I’m hurt a little- less. I am hoping for more but am learning to appreciate what less has to offer.

So was it really “cathartic”? No, not really. In actuality it was just a brief recognition of the obvious. Interestingly enough, while recognizing the obvious I was completely oblivious to the fact that I was sitting in my backyard, half naked, contemplating my current situation at 3am.

The funk is lifting.

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To serve and protect?

Abso-freaking-lutely! But they really should add "And be thoughtful" to that motto.

I got pulled over tonight! I’m on my way to the post office after kicking my own ass at the gym and I see I’m being tailed. After a mile or so the blue lights get turned on so naturally I pulled over immediately. Officer “not so subtle at tailing people” gets out of his car, walks up and says “License and registration, please”. As I’m getting my license he asks “Do you know why I stopped you?” Let’s stop here for a moment.

Now me being me, I thought of a thousand hysterical (or what I thought would be hysterical) responses in a matter of seconds. After thinking it over I decided it’d be best not to impose upon him my sense of "humor" however, that did not stop me from testing the water…

So I say “Uh, failure to signal when you were pulling me over?”- he giggled. Good, he’s got a sense of humor. As he takes my license he says “No, I couldn’t read your tag until I got right up on you. I’m going to run your license and make sure you’re not a bank robber before I let you go. Be right back.” After a few minutes he comes back and I tried to hand him my registration, he says “Oh no, you’re fine I don’t need the registration.” So I said “So you know I’m not a bank robber?” he says “Yeah, you’re not a bank robber.” All this time he’s looking in my car (which I found rather irritating) so I asked him “Would you please stop eyeing my filthy car, I’m a little self conscious.” Again, more giggles. He says “I don’t think some CD cases and a yoga mat constitute filthy.” Then, “Your tag cover really is hard to see through.” I just sat there staring at him. He shifted uncomfortably. Then he said “You know, it’s hard to read the tag” So I responded with “Well actually I didn’t know.” (I honestly didn’t!) So I stepped out of the car and walked with him to the trunk. I stood there looking at it, a little pissed off with myself for not recognizing how oxidized the plastic cover had become. He says “See, it really is kinda hard to read.” I told him that there was no need to defend his decision to pull me over, he was right- it was hard to read. Plus me and my yoga mat passenger/accomplice really could have been bank robbers.

I'd like to add here that I think I’m one of the only people in this city that really doesn’t mind being pulled over (on the incredibly rare occasion that it has happened). If I screwed up, well, I screwed up and deserve to be told.

To make a very long story short(er) I chatted with him a bit about community affairs, where he was from, how long he’s been with the department, made him laugh so hard he made a weird coughing/wheezing noise, twice! etc. etc. etc. and finally ended the conversation with “Well, it’s been nice chatting with you but if you don’t mind I’ll happily take my ticket and be on my way.” he says “Oh no, I wasn’t going to ticket you, I just thought you should know.” I thanked him for being such a thoughtful individual, told him to have a safe evening and was on my way.

Thank God he had a sense of humor (and understood mine)! I can (and am) easily misunderstood for being a smart ass when in actuality my humor just tends to be incredibly caustic.

Embarrassing yet a little flattering

I worked up the nerve to go to my gym’s 10:30am yoga class this morning and was quite pleasantly surprised. There were only two other students aside from myself (I really prefer small groups and individualized attention). The three major things that nearly kept me in bed rather than going (aside from being up until 5am....as most of you know, sleep is not at the top of my priority list) were A/ I haven’t been consistent in practicing yoga in years. B/ I hate large groups of people. And C/ I’m self taught- never been to a class in my life. I drug my butt out of bed and went anyway. Overall is was a good class.

At the end, our instructor came over to me and asked who I was trained under and where I got my certification. I told her that I was self taught and not certified. Her jaw dropped, she excitedly told me that I just had to get certified and start teaching immediately. Yeah, whatever. She said that there’s a serious need for instructors in our area and I’m more than ready for certification right now. So that embarrassed the hell out of me but was rather flattering. The next certification class is held in December…I’ll probably do it just to have another certification in my portfolio. As of right now I’m certified in FEMA’s “Animals In Disaster”, Pharmacy, Vet Tech, and some holistic stuff. Where’s it going to get me? Nowhere, but it’s something to keep me occupied in my down time (Ha! What “down time”?). My dad’s been trying to talk me into getting my Reiki certification forever now (he‘s certified in damn near everything a person can be certified in- from firearms to meditation instructor to anger management instructor to Reiki Master to all of the FEMA courses offered to ordained minister, etc. etc. etc.- the list goes on and on).

Anyway, it was kinda fun so I’ll probably try to dedicate an hour out of my schedule Thursday mornings to the class.

The rest of my afternoon off from work is dedicated to laying in bed watching football (God I love NFL Replay!) and maybe downloading more music onto my MP3. I have a feeling (and I hope I’m wrong) work is going to suck massively tomorrow.

Tonight after the rush I’ll try to go back to spend a little time on the treadmill. They stay busy until around 10pm so I’ll only get in an hour but it’s better than nothing.

Yet another Visa commercial…

$393.76- 12 month gym membership
$89.00- MP3 player for jamming at the gym

The way my butt is going to look in 3 months….priceless!

Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system.

I’m antsy about joining the gym. I guess I went during a really busy time today because they were packed.

Lots of people + Aza’s Quasimodo self image = nervous wreak!

Now if I can just work up the courage to actually go and work out.

Two major plus points- 1: Three big screen TV’s upstairs (one tuned into ESPN- which totally rocks!) in front of a line of treadmills and 2: There’s a quiet room at the back of the gym where it would appear I can do yoga relatively undisturbed.

In unrelated news, I’m thrilled because this….





finally came in the mail today; an adorable little Corpse Bride cami & thong set courtesy of Hot Topic. So ladies, if you're a Tim Burton fan- it's on sale (I think they only have a few mediums left in stock because when I called to check my order status a few days ago I was informed I was lucky to "get the last small we had")! I'll probably never be able to work up the nerve to actually put it on (again, because of that whole Quasimodo self image I've got going) but at least I can add it to the collection of cute, pretty, lacy, silky, things hanging in my closet encouraging me to get in shape.

I have what in my what !?

The x-rays and results to the Upper GI are back.

Acid reflux- whatever. Who doesn’t have acid reflux?

However…


Arthritis in my left shoulder. 27 years old and I have arthritis taking up house in my left shoulder! Screw that! Being the proactive kinda gal I am- I’ve got physical therapy scheduled for the 16th and an appointment with a personal trainer at a local gym at 4:30 tomorrow.

Yep, you heard it here first- I’m going back to the gym. I’m thinking some strength training and toning would do me good. Certainly wouldn’t hurt to lessen the space my ass is currently taking up either. My main goal…a quiet place to do a little yoga. The last gym I went to was night club loud and when stretching or doing yoga poses provoked stares and whispered “I wonder if she can put her legs behind her head…Holy shit she can!” comments.

To my understanding this gym has great hours that may be able to provide a little peace and privacy. Here’s hoping. The major plus- I hear a lot of cops go there so at least I won’t have to worry about security when being in there at odd hours. Oh, and it’s located in the parking lot of a substation.

So in short, I intend on bidding my chunky ass farewell, and the arthritis can kiss it on the way out!

Hungry and even more anxious

Here I sit fasting, again. Tomorrow morning a phlebotomist is going to instill a pipeline into my right arm and drain me of my very life essence. I think I’m going to puke. Anyway.

Upper GI went well. As well as Upper GI’s go anyway.

AJ is fairing well. As well as can be expected anyway.

D and I aren’t getting along so well, right now anyway.

Anyway

Thirsty and anxious

I’ve not been to sleep because, well, I’m thirsty and anxious. I’m not sure what I’m more worried about- having to drink a bunch of nasty tasting crap (on an empty stomach) and have pictures taken of my guts or the results. I don't do well without my morning Sprite. Yes, the first thing I do when I get up everyday is drink an icy Sprite to settle my stomach. It works.

Actually, now that I think about it I’m not so much worried about the Upper GI as I am the bloodwork. Yep, I'm definitely more concerned with having to fast all over again and have 8 million vials of blood drawn tomorrow morning. I fucking hate needles! I fucking hate not having my Sprite!

October has it out for me!

Well, in a little less than 45 minutes I will be allowed no food and no liquid until after 8 or 9am- after I get this stupid Upper GI over.

In other (more important) news I had another animal emergency this evening: this time it was one of mine. AJ is one of my wild rehabs; he is an 8 month old squirrel. I went out to the wilding cage today (wilding cage being exactly what it sounds like; a cage you put a critter in to get them ready for release in the wild) and AJ had a bloody face. I called my small animal vet (yes, I have a different specialized vet for each species I care for), told her AJ had a mouth injury…

(odd that it’s that kind of injury because I’m known for my work in rehabbing squirrels with facial injuries usually from being hit by cars or malocclusion cases and amputees. To my knowledge I’m the only one in my area that has been able to have squirrels thrive on a liquid diet (that was later published) for 2 months or longer during multiple dental/facial surgeries and the healing process. Heh, and the vets wonder why I’ve changed my phone number half a dozen times in the last 4 years.)

…and I was on my way. Soooo, turns out AJ managed to rip out one of his front upper teeth. This in itself is amazing. Because of the structure of their teeth, losing one violently is usually fatal. So the following was no surprise- in the process he broke his upper jaw and decimated his sinuses (if you’ve ever seen a squirrel tooth you know they are shaped like the letter “C”- the small part we see is just that- a very small part. The rest of the tooth goes up into the skull and curves straight back through the sinuses). The other tooth now resides at an odd right angle. Due to the extensive blood loss and damage we were unable to remove the remaining tooth. If we’d taken it he would have probably bled to death or we would have destroyed more of his upper jaw. Solution? Liquid diet, antibiotics and pain killers for two to three weeks until the skull heals, then we remove the tooth; $400.00 later- happy upper-toothless squirrel on a specialized diet.

Unfortunately this makes him a permanent. Fortunately he was only a few days old when he came in so he doesn’t know the virtues of living a wild life (we were planning on a late October release).

This month is off to a shitty start!