Surreptitious Psychosis
A Peek In My Head...

Putting the "fun" in disfunctional since 1978!

Name: Aza
From: Florida, United States

I reject your reality and substitute my own

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IM: Surreptitious_Psychosis (yahoo)

The Other Day I Said...

*tap, tap, tap*

Pass the Depends please…

Dinner for 10 (small villages)...

Wow, I really needed that!

Hell hath no fury like an Aza scorned!

And you thought you had it rough!

Who turned on the cool?

Thanks for nothing Fay! And an open letter to a sc...

A sad day for comedy indeed

Another post about ta-ta's

Going Retro

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    Wednesday, May 31, 2006

    I bought the box set

    Cause I'm diggin' the Samurai Jack action!

    Oh yeah, and because I'm a giant dork, that too.



    Tuesday, May 30, 2006

    Film therapy revisited

    “The Ultimate Versus”
    Excellent as expected (see two entries below). This one is not dubbed in English so a good portion of the hilarity is lost. However, the extended fight scenes were great. The epic fight lasted for what seemed like a quarter of the movie in the original. In the Ultimate version it seemed like it took up damn near half the movie. Very cool.

    “Azumi” & “Azumi 2”
    I wasn’t as impressed as I thought I’d be with these two. They were good movies, just not as full throttle as I was hoping for. On the plus side, part two picked up exactly where part one left off.

    The two Takeshi Kitano films were a double disc.

    “The Blind Swordsman: Zatoichi” and “Sonatine”
    Kitano’s Zatochi is a remake of the old Zatochi films of the 50’s and 60’s. I loved it! It was ‘blind guy (with a sword) brings on the pain in the form of hell and havoc in the name of justice, meets River Dance’. Throw in a cross dresser and some really impressive sword play and you’ve got yourself a rockin’ little film (I shit you not. Rent it, you‘ll see what I mean)! How much did I love it? I bought it! The second film Sonatine really was like a Japanese “Goodfellas” hanging out on the beach. Weird but fairly good.

    All in all I’d have to say my film therapy was a success. Aside from working my ass off Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and five hours of training sessions scheduled for today- I feel better. More movies got tossed on Aza’s critiquing table this evening when I returned those watched and paid a substantial late fee.

    Up next we have….

    “Date Movie”
    “Princess Blade”
    Another Kitano film “Hana-Bi” or “Fireworks”
    And “Kibakichi”



    Saturday, May 27, 2006

    An open letter

    To the lady with the 'mite' cream script.

    Dear sweet elderly three days older than Jesus lady,

    I understand now more than ever in the pharmaceutical field that odd, disturbing and at times down right creepy shit is just going to happen. Period. There will be days that TMI is the understatement of the century. There will be times that I will hear someone say something that will make me want to douche my ear holes. Yesterday you won the "Gross Aza The Fuck Out" award. That's no small feat, madam. I hear about rectal ulcerations, "intense" anal itching, green vaginal discharge, and much, much more daily. Yet each day I come back with a smile on my face, holding my composure like a Marine.

    Please let me congratulate you on your award. It was truly earned. I'd shake your hand but to be quite honest I'd rather you keep your scabies to yourself. I must say, the best part of our conversation was when you leaned your sweet 90 year old face over the counter and said with your gentle, old lady, well of knowledge smile "The doctor said I've got the infestation cleared up off of my hands pretty well, now we're working on my nipples."

    Hon, I have so much respect for you just because of the fact that you've weathered so many years on this planet but I must say, you could have kicked me in the fucking head and gotten a better reaction out of me. No, no, you didn't see that reaction on the outside but trust me, it was there. If you'd looked deep enough into my eyes you would have seen the depth of my horror. That's where the blank (thousand mile) stare and faux smile cemented to my face came from. There are two things I'd like to go over with you so you'll understand where that "I think I just shit myself" look came from...

    A/ Infestation. Let's look at that word for a moment. I N F E S T A T I O N. That means there is a colony of creepy crawly creatures residing under your skin.

    B/ "Now we're 'working' on my nipples." Well, your 90 year old nipples pretty much speak for themselves. I don't think I, myself could have painted a more vivid picture if I tried.

    Bless your heart, dear. May your days be filled with joy, your mite cream be plentiful and here's wishing your nipples (and my brain) a quick and permanent recovery!

    Labels: ,


    Friday, May 26, 2006

    What Classic Pin-Up Are You?

    You're Brigitte Bardot!
    Take this quiz!
    Umm, okay.



    Wednesday, May 24, 2006

    Film Therapy

    I wield my video rental card, I am renter! The movies I rented claw and fight over which one will enter the holy DVD player first. I am humbled by their eager desire to entertain me and liven my spirit.

    Blah, blah, blah

    Okay so I rented some ass kicking, sword wielding, gun toting Japanese flicks. I’m feeling the depression lift just thinking about them. Ever see the movie Versus? Best film on the planet. Why? Because its got zombies going postal,…. with swords.... and guns.... and ass kicking martial arts!!! It’s funny as hell with the English dub; the one liners are beyond priceless! The fight sequences are stunning (especially when one guy gets his head kicked off) and did I mention it’s really funny? What could possibly make all of this any better? The director (Ryuhei Kitamura) used the Lion King (yep, you read that right), Evil Dead and Highlander as inspiration in his film style (ie; lighting, camera angle, scene set ups/shots). He was inspired by Raimi with a hint of Romero. Pure effing genius people. It’s a visual shock opera! You MUST see it! I think I’m going to have a filmgasim just talking about it. I digress.

    So I’ve got:

    “The Ultimate Versus”
    What’s the difference between the one I rented and the one I own? 10 honking ass kicking minutes! 10 more minutes of brilliance.

    I expect this to be just as satisfying to the palette. Why? Cause it’s made by the director of Versus! Yeah, baby!!!

    “Azumi 2”
    I’m not expecting as much from this one. I never hold high expectations from sequels. But still…chick with a sword goes postal.

    Then two Takeshi Kitano films:

    “The Blind Swordsman: Zatoichi”
    Hello, he’s blind and he has a sword.

    And “Sonatine”
    Word has it this is like a Japanese “Goodfellas” type film.

    Hi, my name is Aza, I’ll be fucking you up with my sharp cutlery and boomstick now. And I might even do it with my eyes closed!



    A small blurb

    In Tuesday’s paper there was a small synopsis of the car accident. It reads as follows…

    "Alcohol a factor in wreck

    Alcohol was a factor in a roll over wreck Saturday that killed the car’s driver, authorities said Monday. The crash at Blanding and Wilson boulevards just after midnight killed driver Douglas L. Coppock, 25, of Estancia Avenue, Jacksonville Sheriff’s office spokesman Ken Jefferson said. Coppock’s passenger James Brian Demay was treated at Shands Jacksonville hospital for minor injuries, Jefferson said. Police said Coppock was speeding through Blanding Boulevard traffic before he lost control and hit a curb. The car flipped several times and struck two poles. Coppock was partially ejected, according to investigators.

    Article written by Bridget Murphy of the Florida Times Union"

    “Partially” ejected irritates me. It’s inaccurate reporting. He was fully ejected and found 10 feet away from the car. They also didn't mention that he was racing another car or that when that car pulled over after the accident the man driving tried starting a fist fight with a number of people trying to help the young man trapped (D included) in the wrecked car. They also did not mention that he was pointed out by witnesses as one of the cars racing and the police did not question him but told him to leave since he was starting fights.

    D said that he saw a small grouping of flowers and cards at the accident site. Apparently the young man had a wife and child. So sad.

    D seems to be pulling out of this silent funk he’s been in since that night. I’m thinking we’ll send flowers to the funeral home listed in the paper. I hope it will bring D a little closure while expressing sympathy to the family.


    Tuesday, May 23, 2006

    I love screwing these up

    Subject: Get to know your friends
    Have fun!

    1. What time is it? 2:30 pm

    2. What's your full name? Aza Whatthefuckever Doe

    3. What are you most afraid of? Filthy bathrooms

    4. Most recent movie that you have seen in a theatre? Corpse Bride

    5. Place of birth? A Hospital

    6. Favorite new food? Old cheese

    7. What's your natural hair color? Bald

    8. Ever been to Alaska? In a dream once.

    9. Ever been toilet papering rolling? Why would I want to roll toilet paper? I thought the goal was to get it off of the roll, not on it.

    10. Love someone so much it made you cry? Yes, but duct tape made it better.

    11.What are you wearing? Jammies

    12. Croutons or bacon bits? Croutons for the vegetarian, please.

    13. Favorite day of the week? The lucid ones.

    14. Favorite Flower? Potted

    15. Favorite sport to watch? Boxing. But really any sport in which someone legitimately gets their ass kicked.

    16. Favorite Alcoholic Drink? Yes, please.

    17. Favorite ice cream? The fattening kind.

    18. Disney or Warner Brothers? Adult Swim

    19. What color is your bedroom carpet? Before the police came?

    20. How many times did you failed your driver's test? There was a test? I must have skipped that day.

    21. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail? Some company asking if I'd like penis enlargement.

    22. What do you do most often when you are bored? Nothing and that’s why I’m bored.

    23 Bedtime? No thanks, I just woke up.

    24. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest? Someone who is bored.

    25. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? Someone who isn’t bored.

    26. Who are you are most curious to see their responses? Me

    27. Favorite TV shows? Cartoons, The First 48 and Deadliest Catch.

    28. Last person you went to dinner with? Me, myself and I. Oh, and some person I picked up at the bus station.

    29. Ford or Chevy? If it has 4 wheels and an engine I’m happy.

    30. What are you listening to right now? The voices in my head conjuring an alibi, and Gangsta Rap.

    31. What are your favorite colors - Grays and khakis

    32. How many tattoos do you have? Do oddly shaped scars count?

    33. How many pets do you have? 1, I’m married to him.

    34. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Single celled organisms in the ocean.

    35. What would you like to accomplish before you die? Living

    36. How many people are you sending this e-mail to? Only the Shadow knows.

    RETURN DIRECTIONS: Now, here 's what you're supposed to do... And please do not spoil the fun. Hit forward, delete my answers and type in your answers. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you.



    Saturday, May 20, 2006

    He lived and the phone rang

    The passenger, after crashing in the ambulance was resuscitated. He lived.

    When D got home this afternoon he shared the good news. I was thrilled.

    Then the phone rang.

    D’s job called because the parents of the young man ejected from the car and killed were there and wanted to speak to him. The father got on the phone and asked D what had happened. He said the police wouldn’t tell them anything. He wanted to know if his son had been driving. D explained that his son was the driver and upon impact was thrown from the car. He told him his son didn’t suffer and died instantly. The man said “Thank you for trying to help my son.” All D could say was “I’m so very sorry.” D got off of the phone quickly. He was terrified that the father would ask what condition his son was in when D ran up to the accident.

    Afterward, he looked at me and said “What would I have said if his father had pushed for details? The kid was in really, really bad shape. I couldn't tell him that.” I told him that if the parents came back to ask more questions to try to be as supportive as possible and if they wanted details on their sons physical condition to tell them that after he knew their son had passed he tried to help the other kid trapped in the car. I told him that no matter how hard they pushed not to go into detail about his condition. I explained to him that the parents will know their sons condition soon enough. They will get a copy of the medical examiners report along with the death certificate. No one needs to know the gruesome details. Better they understand his physical trauma through the eyes of a medical examiner who can be professional than the eyes of someone fresh on the scene who will be emotional.

    The phone call has pushed him into a deeper depression. I’m not asking questions, God knows he’s getting enough of that at his job. The rumor mill is so bad there that someone actually came up to him today and asked him “what happened when he was giving the dead kid CPR”. Sick, sick, sick people. All they want are the gory details. They have no clue what D is going through emotionally right now.

    I’m so thankful at least one of them lived. It’s a small ray of light in a big black void.


    Another open letter to God

    Not a Pagan God, not a Christian God, not a Buddhist God. Just Deity.

    Yeah, it’s me again. My heart aches. I’m angry and sad and sick and helpless. It’s 4am and I can’t sleep. All I can do is pray for the families of those two young men. I’m not sure why you saw fit or they saw fit to be killed in such a horrific and stupid manner. I’m not sure why you saw fit or D’s spirit saw fit for him to have to try to save the young man trapped in the car. D will probably carry what he saw tonight, and the cries for help he heard for the rest of his life.

    He has a concept of what you are but not enough to understand why you’d allow two twenty year old kids to race their car down the road, wreak out and die in his parking lot at his job. He called me around 12:45am, it sounded like he’d been crying or screaming or maybe both. I rushed to his work only to see one of the poor kids still lying in the road. Police taking pictures of the car or what was left of it anyway, bystanders surveying what seemed like a horror movie being played out in slow motion. The sheet covering his body being picked up so the police could take pictures of a kid that took part in making a stupid decision that cost him and the driver of the car their lives.

    After wading through the crowd I spotted D. His eyes looked tired and in shock. On the way home he went over tiny bits and pieces. When tying to help the kid trapped in the car he nearly stumbled over the body of the passenger that had been thrown out on impact. D knew he was dead so he begged those around him for something to cover the body with while he tried to help and comfort the young man still trapped. No one would help him. D was alone trying to stay sane and bring sanity to an insane situation and people who would only stand and stare. Why? What’s the lesson in this? Why did my husband have to get pulled into such a nightmare?

    When we got home D looked sick. Drained. He kept asking if I thought the young men’s families had been notified, asking if I thought the young man trapped and dying heard him trying to comfort him through his screams for help and the screams of onlookers. How am I supposed to counsel this? He kept saying he couldn’t stop seeing that young man laying dead, mangled and unrecognizable on the ground. He couldn’t stop hearing the pleas for help coming from inside that crushed wreak. How can I relieve him of that image, those sounds? He kept asking me to pray for those two young men.

    Well God, I think those two young men are in good hands now. I think they’re going to be okay. It’s their families and my husband I’m asking for mercy for. The mother’s of those boys who have to plan funerals now. Mercy, that’s what I’m asking for. Dad and I went through the knock on the door at 2am. The man in the neatly pressed uniform saying “There’s been an accident” and “She didn’t make it” when mom died. We know that pain. Now I grieve for the families. Their world, like ours was, is going to be thrown into anarchy. Please comfort them, bring them peace. Show them mercy.

    Mom, if you’re listening, please comfort those mothers and help their son’s with the transition over.


    Friday, May 19, 2006

    As I've Matured...

    I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

    I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

    I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

    I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

    I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

    I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -they are more screwed up than you think.

    I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

    I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

    I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

    I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

    I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

    I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

    I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

    I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

    I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
    I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

    I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

    Who knows, maybe something good will happen. If not...tough!
    (As always, thanks Kira!)



    Thursday, May 18, 2006

    HEY! Assmonkey!!!

    Quit spamming the shit out of my fucking blog! Allow me to let you in on a little secret; just because you think you're being anonymous doesn't mean you are anonymous.

    Keep it up, douchbag.

    (Uh, do you drop the 'e' when you add the 'bag'? It really does look better without the 'e'.)


    A new CD

    Blue October (the Foiled album) has now taken up residence in my CD player. If you heard their song Hate Me and didn’t care for it, fret not, I was right there with you. The rest of the album however, is phenomenal.

    I was shocked to learn that they are a Texas indie rock band originally from Houston. I hear a heavy 80's British influence. So much so that if a 25 year old Peter Gabriel hit the alternative scene today, Blue October is what he’d sound like (in fact, the lead singer sounds damn near identical to him at times).

    If you dig Gabriel (with maybe the tiniest hint of Weezer), you’ll really dig the Foiled album.

    I’m impressed.


    Wednesday, May 17, 2006

    And a brand new baby enters the world

    and now I think I'll act like one.

    Last Tuesday morning (the 9th) my brother’s second son was born. J called me and left a message on Thursday. J and I don’t speak much. He’s 8 years older than me and we never really found much common ground. When he’d fall on hard times after our grandmother died, I’d try to send money and care packages. I think the money I sent drove a huge wedge between us. I only wanted to help. He lived in NC. I live in FL. He needed the money and I thought I was doing the right thing. He really doesn’t speak to me much anymore. Every time we do talk he always mentions the damn money he says, “I’ll have a check in the mail to you, Aza.” I’ll say “J, please don’t worry about it. It was a gift.” he says “I feel like shit that my little sister had to help me out.” I say “Isn’t that what family is supposed to do, help each other out?” on and on and on it goes, round and round we dance. What does it boil down to? I feel like he was willing to sacrifice a relationship with me for just over a thousand dollars and some care packages. I feel like I’ve had a price tag slapped on my head. I love him and I know this is a matter of pride but for God’s sake it’s breaking my heart.

    I’m going to try to call him today. I’ve grabbed the phone twice trying to get up the courage to call. I want to talk about his new baby, I want to know how the little man (his first son) likes having a baby brother, I want to know how his wife is doing. I want to live vicariously through him for a few minutes since I don’t have children and don’t know if I ever will. I don’t want to talk about the fucking money. I want to send the new baby gifts and not worry about how J’s pride will react. I don’t want to say the wrong thing.

    I just tried to call and the line was busy. I called back fifteen minutes later and the machine picked up. I wonder if he knew it was me.



    It’s disconcerting, really

    Have you ever lost sleep over something said. It wasn’t said to you or anyone you know, it was just said. That happens to me. I’ll read something that’ll get under my skin. I stumble across a journal that’ll have an entry that really bothers me. It’s almost like watching someone dine alone and you know they’re hating every moment of it. If they’d look up from their plate you’d offer to buy them a slice of pie or a cup of coffee just to get the conversation started. Not out of pity, out of compassion. Because you’d want it done for you. Because you know they’d get some rest emotionally if they didn’t just say what was bothering them but if they knew that what they said was heard. That doesn’t make any fucking sense.

    Let me come at this from a different angle. I have people in my world, friends, that will call me at 2am, say “I feel like everything/one shit on me today!” hang up the phone, go back to bed and walk through life the next day feeling a touch better. Some of these people have spouses or friends that are closer to them than me but those people aren’t called. I am. Why? Because A/ They know my stupid ass is up at 2am. Thinking. and B/ Sometimes you need a new set of ears to hear an old set of problems. You don’t need to be told anything, you just need to be heard. This angle isn’t working for me either.

    Here’s the thing. I am in no shape, way or form a writer. I’m a listener and I’m a talker but I’m not a writer. That, right there is one of the reasons I started a blog, to be a better writer. I fucking hate writing but I love reading. There’s always a warm reassuring voice on the other end, or whatever I need it to be when I‘m reading. I find it damn near impossible to be that warm reassuring voice when I’m writing. It’s one thing to interpret it for yourself, it’s another to convey it to others.

    Nope, this just isn’t happening for me. It’s not coming out the way I want it to. So I’ll leave it, like this. Confusing and random. Eh, to hell with it.


    Tuesday, May 16, 2006

    Pucker up buttercup

    Okay, so it’s shaped like a penis.

    But the colors are really great! Well, two of the colors are really great anyway. If I’d quit melting them by leaving the damn things in my car I wouldn’t have a biannual trip to the sex shop to buy replacements (is that a bad thing?).

    Man, the things we’ll do for a nice shade of lip wear. What’s really sad is I only wear makeup (and very little at best) to work.

    (Heya Lushy, did you see these on your sex superstore visit?)


    Monday, May 15, 2006

    I buy and am bought for, therefore I'm broke

    D came to my job on mother’s day and presented three cards and a gift. One card from him, one from the kitties and one from the dogs. The gift- a beautiful gold butterfly pendant and matching earrings encrusted with diamonds. I stood there staring with a big fat dumb “DUH” look on my face. The moment was broken when my pharmacist walked by and said “What’s that for, you’re not a mother.” D replied with “She may not be a mom but she’s the best wife in the world.” I’m still a little dumbstruck over it. I’m not a big jewelry person because I’d rather pay bills than buy myself (or ask for) sparkly things. Man o’ man, when D buys it, since he knows it’s such a rare thing, he goes all out! If he was going for ‘shocked, amazed and beyond grateful’: Mission Accomplished!

    Thinking back over the last week I feel kind of bad. Earlier in the week I fell into the retail therapy trap. I was a little bummed so I bought myself a ‘90 days on the new job, pat yourself on the back for not going postal’ present which was the Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law, Vol. 1 box set. Then a few days later I was in Walgreens and saw the Spin Spa (*in a big booming voice*) As Seen On TV!!!!! and just had to buy it. D rolled his eyes when he saw it. “Aza, you know that ’as seen on TV’ crap is just that. Crap.” To my and D’s surprise, it works great and I love it! He bought his mom one for mother’s day. (Here’s where I can already hear some saying “Whoa! Wait a minute! D bought you super expensive jewelry and his own mother a Spin Spa??? WTF!?” There’s a loooong story behind D’s relationship with his mother and we’ll just leave it at- she’s lucky she got anything for mother’s day.) Anyway, the Spin and box set was $40 bucks I could have lived without spending- especially after what D spent on the gift.

    Looking on the upside, I won $50 dollars on a scratch off today so I guess the $40 I spent is now covered.


    Saturday, May 13, 2006

    Mother's Day

    Happy Mother's all of the

    ~Mr. Mom's (dad's that took the mom role. After my mom died my dad got to take on both roles for me.)

    ~Grandparents (those that are raising grandchildren as if they were their own because the biological mom and dad aren't around.)

    ~Siblings (that had to raise younger brothers and sisters.)

    ~Stepmoms (who sometimes get the crap end of the stick.)

    ~Girlfriends (who take the mom role when their friends call on them.)

    ~Brand new mom's (this being their first mother's day)

    ~Wives (that are married and were cast into the mommy role even though they don't have children.)

    Did I miss anyone?

    What about regular moms, Aza?

    Well, I've got to say Maevyn said it best in her post about mother's day. Take a look HERE. I think you'll agree, she's a rockin' mom!



    Friday, May 12, 2006

    That's just gross!

    My head hurts. Bad. The Advil I threw at this headache demon an hour ago just made it laugh and squeeze my brain harder.

    There was no running water at work today. The fact that we had no running water just went to show how nasty some women on this planet truly are. The fact that this waterless bathroom is located in a pharmacy didn’t help much either. I’d like to kick the snot out of the nasty bitch that saw the huge sign on the bathroom door that said “No Running Water. The Bathroom Is Out Of Service.” yet still walked in, deposited a used tampon in the toilet and walked out. I’m not going to go into further detail, my head and your stomach just can‘t handle it tonight. We won’t venture to ask what Aza saw in the stall next to the tampon stall. Suffice it to say; there are some nasty bitches walking the same planet as you and I, my friend. Think about that the next time you handle a dollar bill and don’t immediately wash or sanitize your hands afterward. There’s a good chance that the hand that dollar left before reaching yours, just walked out of a waterless bathroom. And was on its period. Or just took a crap. I’m nauseous and tip-toeing on the boarder of a panic attack just thinking about it.

    The upside to this waterless nightmare? I got to watch my pharmacist- a grown man- do the pee-pee dance for two hours.



    Wednesday, May 10, 2006


    Monday and Tuesday were like a mini-vacation. I’ve consumed more candy, soda, sweets and pizza in the last two days than 3 ten year olds put together could handle. I’ve also consumed lot of antacid too.

    Sunday night D got in from work around 1am and we started watching movies as you can see from my entries below. We giggled, stayed up until 6am and acted like kids during a sleep over. Monday was a repeat. Movies, crap food, laughing like madmen, and being goofy in general.

    Tuesday we went to our district office for class, stopped by Costco and were done running errands by 2 in the afternoon. More movies. By 5pm D got the brilliant idea that he wanted to mow the front of our property on the new riding lawn mower we bought my dad for his birthday. So, after D tried to “pop a wheelie” on the mower (and got yelled at for it) we sat out in the back yard on the swing until 9pm cutting up with my dad, getting ate alive by mosquitoes.

    I’d like to relay part of the “cutting up” that took place. I think the collective IQ dropped by at least 50 points in my home yesterday. And I thought I was a little too honest.

    D says, “Hey Mr. C”

    Did I mention that D still calls my dad “Mr. C”? Yep, D has been in our family for 11 years now and still calls my dad by his last name. He says it’s a respect thing. I think it’s sweet. Anyway.

    “Hey Mr. C” my dad says “Yeah?”

    I must stop this new born story right here and tell you I swear, D said the following word…for…word…to…my…father(!).

    “Hey Mr. C” my dad says “Yeah?”. “Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to set my balls on fire with habanero peppers?”

    There it is. He said it. My dad starts cracking up and asked if that was the time I called him and asked what would stop a hot pepper burn. D answered gleefully “Yeah! I was cutting peppers for dinner. I had to pee so I rinsed my hands off but I guess I didn‘t rinse them well enough looking back, dried them and went pee.”

    Here’s where it gets really good. Can anyone say TMI?

    D continues “I think when I was shaking off getting ready to zip up” (HOLY SHIT!!!! What did you just say to my dad???? Shaking Off??? WHAT!??? Did I just hear you right???) “my hand must have brushed against my balls or something because it felt like I set them on fire!”

    The world is spinning out of control, blood is rushing to my head, I think I’m going to pass out.

    At this point my dad is in tears he’s laughing so hard which is just encouraging D even more (who is giggling like a child). I sat there. Staring. At D. My eyes bulging from their respective sockets.

    My dad caught a glimpse of my ‘look of death’ and promptly says “Oh Aza, re-LAX! It‘s a guy thing!”

    “No dad, D discussing his habanero burnt testicles with you is NOT a ‘guy thing’ it’s creeping me out!” this statement brought forth another 5 minutes of uncontrolled giggling.

    So there it is. Male bonding. I swear we’re not white trash. Really.



    Now Playing On A DVD Player Near You...

    Aeon Flux: Yeah, it was okay. They could have stuck a little closer to the animated series (remember Liquid Television?) and made her a much bigger bitch. She wasn't nearly "La Femme" enough in my opinion.

    18 Fingers Of Death: You've probably never heard of this one, it's an independent, (so naturally) I dug it. It was pretty much poking fun at current Kung Fu movies/actors. Forewarning: if you can't handle or appreciate a good n' shitty indie film, you'll hate it.

    King Kong: CGI was nice however, there were a few poor backstory inserts. Which means: In the movie they gave you history on a particular character but did not move into telling that history seamlessly.

    Fun With Dick And Jane: Eh, *shrug*. Wasn't too bad. I'd classify it under "rentable". Fire Marshal Bill really came out in this role.

    Hostel: That nugget of crap got an entry all of its own (see below). I feel that I must add...If Hostel were toilet paper, I wouldn't wipe my dogs ass with it.



    Monday, May 08, 2006

    What a waste of life, space and time...

    Hostel was all three.

    Dr. Giggles meets Surviving The Game meets porn = Aza wanting to stick a hose in her DVD player to remove the shitty residue that dumbass movie left behind.

    Best part of the movie?

    The friggin' end!



    Sunday, May 07, 2006

    100+ Things

    1. Some people think these "100 Things" lists are stupid and narrow, some think they are a brilliant insight into one's personality/mind. I think these lists are somewhere in the middle of the two extreme lines of thought.

    2. My favorite color is grey but for the most part I see the world in black and white.

    3. I am mentally color blind.

    4. I watch cartoons. A LOT.

    5. I don't want to have children any time soon (if ever).

    6. When I was 11 my mother died. I was more upset for my father than I was for myself.

    7. I talk to animals like they're people, not babies.

    8. I think my Grandmother is/was a Saint.

    9. I truly enjoy independent films and B movies- even the really shitty ones.

    10. When reading a really good book I have to use Visine because sometimes I forget to blink.

    11. I have a nasty temper.

    12. I think I'm much more intelligent than I really am.

    13. I'm obsessive compulsive.

    14. My close friends think I'm much more intelligent than I really am.

    15. I used to drink too much.

    16. I spent 3,800 dollars at a local bar in a little less than 5 months. I only bought for myself.

    17. I ended up in the hospital for 9 hours on IV fluids and antibiotics. They thought I might have been going into kidney failure.

    18. The song "It's A Wonderful World" sung by Louis Armstrong makes me sad, because I believe it.

    19. Every Christmas Eve TBS airs the movie A Christmas Story for 24 hours. If someone in the house changes the channel, hell breaks loose.

    20. I think Jean Sheppard was a genius.

    21. I've been told I should have been a lawyer.

    22. It pisses me off when I tell people my major is Forensics and they automatically tell me CSI is their all time favorite show.

    23. I fucking hate bad breath.

    24. I lean toward misanthropic views.

    25. I think testicles are stupid looking.

    26. One of the best x-mas gifts I ever got was a new vacuum cleaner. It was a mini, quiet shop vac. It rocks!

    27. I love Akira Kurasawa movies.

    28. I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up a math major or in a mental ward.

    29. I have a mortality complex.

    30. Red nail polish pisses me off.

    31. I don't paint my nails unless it's Halloween.

    32. I adore the way fall smells.

    33. Fall is my favorite season.

    34. I think people who say "Is is hot enough for ya?" should be made to spend a few weeks in hell and then asked not to ask stupid questions.

    35. Badly behaved children make me want to take off my shoe and bitch slap their parents with it.

    36. I fucking hate people who seriously bitch about stupid shit like it's the end of the world. I think they should be made to visit a children's cancer ward. Then I think they should be bitch slapped for thinking their problems are worse than everyone else's.

    37. I refuse to curse in front of children.

    38. I hope children don't read my Blog

    39. I do not believe PMS is a valid excuse for being a bitch.

    40. I hate seeing a man scratch his balls or spit in public (unless I'm at a baseball game, then it's funny).

    41. I believe my cats laugh at me when I do stupid things.

    42. I am competitive but won't compete if I don't think I have a good chance of winning.

    43. I don't keep my mouth shut nearly as much as I should.

    44. Ignorance is not knowing, stupidity is not willing to learn. I fucking hate stupid people.

    45. There are three major things that make me insane; child abuse, animal abuse and seeing old people cry.

    46. I love talking to old people. Really old people.

    47. I am pro capitol punishment and really could care less what people think of me because of it.

    48. I have been to Italy and Egypt.

    49. I know how to knit.

    50. I was taught by a group of Pagan women who had a knitting circle called "Knit N' Bitch".

    51. I wanted to take piano lessons a year ago but refused to sign up and go unless my dad did too.

    52. I took piano lessons last year.

    53. I love cold, rainy, blustery days. I think days like that were made just for me.

    54. I watch Godzilla movie marathons.

    55. I hope I hear wind chimes when I die.

    56. I think the Spice Girls and N' Sync were created in a lab.

    57. I wrote myself a letter when I was a little girl and wrote on the outside of the envelope "Do not open until you're 21". I found the letter a few years ago and was very sad when I read it.

    58. My sister stands 5'8" and weighs 115. I stand 5'5" and weigh 125. She thinks I'm fat.

    59. I am utilitarian and don't like materialistic people.

    60. I wear very little make-up.

    61. The only time I wear make-up is when I go to work or to an important event.

    62. I love lightly scented lavender lotion.

    63. When I'm sick I wash my feet 10 or 15 times a day in really hot water. It makes me feel better.

    64. I had a pet opossum once, he could not be released into the wild because he had hip dysplasia. His name was Fred.

    65. I taught my cat Bella how to fetch.

    66. She only wants to play at 2am.

    67. I think people who talk on their cell phones while at cash registers- in the grocery store, gas station, the pharmacy I work at- are inconsiderate and selfish. They make me want to throw things at them.

    68. Gossip is a waste of fucking time. If you can't say it to their face, you shouldn't say it at all (unless you've already said it to their face or fully intend to).

    69. I'm not very tactful.

    70. Even though my nose is pierced, I very rarely wear a tiny stud in it.

    71. When I got my nose pierced it felt like someone punched me in the face (served me right).

    72. It is widely known that when I die, my sister is not invited to the funeral.

    73. When I look at pictures of the universe and galaxy I feel very small.

    74. I'm a junk food vegetarian.

    75. I'm scared to swim if I can't see the bottom. I believe sharks, pirahanna or alligators will eat me.

    76. I think peeing is a waste of time.

    77. While 7 is my favorite number, I'm strangely attracted to 3.

    78. I function better at night.

    79. I was at one time (and am still to some degree) obsessed with dinosaurs.

    80. I think OJ Simpson did it.

    81. I empathize with Van Gogh.

    82. Bigots piss me off. I can think of a dozen good reasons to hate a person and none of them have a thing to do with race, religion, sex or creed.

    83. I think that might make me a creative bigot.

    84. Actually, I think that just makes me a hateful person.

    85. I eat in my sleep.

    86. I always wear my seatbelt. Without exception.

    87. I can touch the bottom on my nose with my tongue.

    88. I think Rod Serling was brilliant.

    89. I won't purchase products that are tested on animals.

    90. The fact that the hospital I was born in was turned into a church makes me feel odd.

    91. When I was little I wanted to marry the professor off of Gilligan's Island.

    92. When I was a little older I wanted to marry Belker off of Hill Street Blues.

    93. I know how I died in my last life.

    94. Sometimes I wake myself up laughing.

    95. I've played drunken Twister and won.

    96. I can watch surgery on the Discovery channel while eating and don't understand people who can't.

    97. I've been banned from Pet Stores- I've also shut a number of them down.

    98. I love lightening storms at night.

    99. I've been robbed at gunpoint.

    100. When people ask me if the glass is half empty or half full I tell them I believe it is a figment of their imagination.

    101. I find almost all chick flicks disturbing.

    102. I can't stand people who know but refuse to speak proper English. "Phat", "Ain't" and words of that ilk are just fucking stupid altogether. I suspect people who use those words are mildly retarded.

    103. There are times when I sound like a sailor with tourette's syndrome.

    104. I believe in Karma.

    105. People who don't acknowledge me when I let them out into traffic make me want to take a tire iron to their windshield. I think they are ungrateful shits.

    106. The different aspects of my personality tend to be contradictory at times.

    107. I hate nasty confrontations but am very good at them.

    108. I love herbal and floral tea, especially jasmine.

    109. I was home schooled after my mom died.

    110. I got my high school diploma at 16.

    111. I did not start college until I was 24.

    112. I got married two weeks after my 19th birthday on January 1st 1998.

    113. I was offered a full scholarship into our local police academy when I was 20. I was in a car accident three months later and my doctor said in my medical report that a back injury I sustained would prevent me from the physical challenges in the academy's program. The academy took my doctors word for it against my protest (and a second opinion) and did not enroll me.

    114. I still have yet to experience any back problems from that particular car accident.

    115. I love horror movies.

    116. I once verbally tore into a woman in a grocery store for yelling at one of her employees in front of everyone for no reason. I announced to her and the entire store that she gave women who aren't fucking bitches while having their menstrual cycle a bad name. I then offered to buy her a Midol and a tampon.

    117. The only thing I really miss about summer when it's gone is not hearing crickets chirp at night.

    118. I think Irish accents are hot.

    119. I've only gotten somewhere around 32 stitches between the ages of 4 and 27.

    120. My injuries included: Krazy K accidentally (?) slammed my head into a table when I was 4 (3 or 4 stitches over my right eye). I dropped a stack of plates on my foot when I was 6. I thought my mom had them, she yanked, we both let go (13 stitches across the top of my right foot). Sliced my arm open on a broken coke bottle when I was 9 (8 stitches right inner arm at wrist). Cut my hip open on a piece of metal when I was 15 (9 stitches over right hip bone).

    121. I have panic attacks over senseless shit yet even though I know it's senseless shit I still freak out.

    122. I'm scared of hurricanes.

    123. I like to make people laugh, especially my dad.

    124. My hair is almost to my waist. It pisses me off on a regular basis and I threaten to cut it all off on a regular basis.

    Uhhh, that's it for now. I'm sure I'll be adding to this list.

    Labels: ,



    I worked all weekend (I consider Friday part of the weekend).

    Now I'm off.

    I'm out of that friggin' pharmacy.

    I'm away from those friggin' people.

    Let's see...what's on the agenda for tonight?

    Movies, that's right, D rented movies yesterday!

    "Hostle", "Aeon Flux" and "Fun With Dick And Jane".

    Hmmm, I look upon those titles with a very skeptical eye.

    I should probably try to study for the PTCE a little considering I have to be in class Tuesday morning.

    I think I'll also do a "100 Things" list. I see these lists on blogs everywhere. I want one too.

    I put a link to my new calendar in the left side bar. I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

    For now...

    Comfy jammies.....check
    Pillows fluffed.....check
    Laptop functioning.....check

    Life, at this exact moment in time is goooood.



    Thursday, May 04, 2006

    Random Happenings (in a bulleted format)

    • I failed the shit out of my math final. I attribute the failing to three main things. 1/ I was out with the plague and missed class for a week. 2/ I missed a week when I started the new job. And 3/ Everything else took precedent . So I guess it really boils down to one thing; I did not allocate the time needed to pass the class. I’m not having my usual panic attack over the situation, I’m just going to retake it in the fall. As I told my Professor when he told me I could pull off a C, “I’m not here to just ‘pass’ this class, I’m here to pass the class and leave with a working knowledge of the material.” I did really well in the homework and at least have a good understanding of what I’m doing so I’m comforted by the idea of retaking it and not struggling as much in pre-calc or pre-trig next spring.

    • I signed D and I up for the PTCE (that’s Pharmacy Technician Certification Exam), which will mean taking classes at our district office once a week for 8 weeks. I’m looking forward to kicking this tests ass. You can score between 300 and 900 on the test but 650 is passing (last year it was 600). There are 140 mixed questions on the test, 15 of which are “non-scored”. The questions cover 4 areas: Law, Retail, Pharmacology and Hospital. The senior tech in my pharmacy scored 627 back when 600 was passing. Two other techs in my pharmacy are also signed up. Being as competitive as I am I expect to out score them by at least 50 points. I really am hoping to score in the high 700’s (as hard as everyone says the test is I’m not sure I’m being very realistic with that expectation). But, since I specifically took the summer off from college to dedicate time to this certification, I don’t see why I shouldn’t make a half way decent score. This will be D’s second time taking it (he was within 30 points of passing last time) so he has to pass or there will be serious repercussions on the job.

    • Speaking of D, we’ve been fighting like animals for the past two weeks. I’m not sure if there’s something in the water or if we’re both just under a ton of stress. It’s really sad, we’re like a couple of ten year olds with sailor mouths. Here’s the cleaned up version; (at some point last night) I said, “Well if you’d quit acting like such a freaking penis wrinkle, I’d quit acting like such a neurotic bitch about the situation.” Then I said “D you said ‘such and such’ yesterday and you know it!” he said, “I did not!” I said, “You did too!” he said, “I did not!” I said, “You did too!” he said, “I did not!” I said “You did too!” he said “I did not!” I said “You did too!” he said “I did not!” I said “You did too!” This exchange went on for 15 minutes. WTF!!!??? I finally broke the nee-ner-nee-ner string with “If you want to act like a little kid, I’ll treat you like one. Go to the fucking corner and don’t come out until you can speak to me like an adult!” I fully expected him to stick his tongue out at me or flick a booger in my general direction. Instead he gave me the silent treatment for the rest of the night. Or maybe he was holding his breath, I’m not sure. Heh, tonight is our first pharmacy class together. A good number of our co-workers will be around. This should be interesting.

    • Blah.



    Wednesday, May 03, 2006

    25 to LIFE

    If you ever get these two environments confused, this should make things
    a little bit clearer.

    IN spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
    AT spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

    IN get three meals a day.
    AT get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

    IN get time off for good behavior.
    AT get more work for good behavior.

    IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT're often required to carry a security card and open all
    the doors yourself.

    IN can watch TV and play games.
    AT get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    IN get your own toilet.
    AT share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

    IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
    AT're not supposed to even speak to your family.

    IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers.
    AT pay all your expenses to get to work, and then they
    deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

    IN spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
    AT WORK spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
    inside bars.

    IN must deal with sadistic wardens.
    AT WORK...........they're called managers.

    Thanks for clearing that up for me Kira, now I realize I should have shot someone rather than put in my resume. :)



    Monday, May 01, 2006

    Wishing all a Happy May Day

    and Blessed Beltane!

    Rose, I'm praying that this Beltane sends you and Mister Man lots of fertility mojo!