And a brand new baby enters the world

and now I think I'll act like one.

Last Tuesday morning (the 9th) my brother’s second son was born. J called me and left a message on Thursday. J and I don’t speak much. He’s 8 years older than me and we never really found much common ground. When he’d fall on hard times after our grandmother died, I’d try to send money and care packages. I think the money I sent drove a huge wedge between us. I only wanted to help. He lived in NC. I live in FL. He needed the money and I thought I was doing the right thing. He really doesn’t speak to me much anymore. Every time we do talk he always mentions the damn money he says, “I’ll have a check in the mail to you, Aza.” I’ll say “J, please don’t worry about it. It was a gift.” he says “I feel like shit that my little sister had to help me out.” I say “Isn’t that what family is supposed to do, help each other out?” on and on and on it goes, round and round we dance. What does it boil down to? I feel like he was willing to sacrifice a relationship with me for just over a thousand dollars and some care packages. I feel like I’ve had a price tag slapped on my head. I love him and I know this is a matter of pride but for God’s sake it’s breaking my heart.

I’m going to try to call him today. I’ve grabbed the phone twice trying to get up the courage to call. I want to talk about his new baby, I want to know how the little man (his first son) likes having a baby brother, I want to know how his wife is doing. I want to live vicariously through him for a few minutes since I don’t have children and don’t know if I ever will. I don’t want to talk about the fucking money. I want to send the new baby gifts and not worry about how J’s pride will react. I don’t want to say the wrong thing.

I just tried to call and the line was busy. I called back fifteen minutes later and the machine picked up. I wonder if he knew it was me.