Into the abyss

18 years ago today my mom was killed in a car accident somewhere around 9pm. She was 44 years old. She left behind two daughters, a son, a husband that loved her more than life, a mother and numerous friends. I was 11, my sister was 14 and my brother was 18.

I was going to write a lengthy post about how her death ruined impacted the family. How a disabled man was left to raise two young daughters on his own. The absolute disbelief and horror that washed across his face when the police officers came to our front door to deliver the news. What it’s like as a little girl to see your mother laying in a open but veil covered casket because of the severity of her injuries. How odd and cold her fingers felt when I slipped my hand beneath the veil to touch her one last time. To hear your father weep and cry out your mothers name in his sleep. The psychiatric problems associated with losing a parent violently and suddenly at such a formidable age. The regret you carry when the last words you speak to a mother that is minutes away from being killed are hateful and nasty. How it feels to never be able to look her in the eyes and say “I’m so sorry”. To dream about her crying. What it’s like to have to discuss as a young girl your first period, the difference between tampons and pads, and every other “mommy - daughter” conversation you can imagine, with your dad. How it feels to watch a sister spiral down into an abyss of alcoholism from childhood to adulthood- the same abyss that swallowed your mother.

I was going to explain in depth and detail all of the above and so much more. Most importantly, I was going to explain how it all could have been avoided had she just not gotten behind the wheel drunk.

But here’s the thing, I’m not going to go into the depth and detail of any of it any more than I already have (please hold your applause). I’d rather go back to bed.

HSN, you get an “A”- for asinine!

Have you ever watched the Home Shopping Network or the QVC channel? You know, they’re those channels where they peddle carnie crap. I watched it the other night and sat there utterly astonished, I couldn’t take my eyes off of the tv. Not because I was enthused by or excited to know more about the products I saw, but because it’s the butt ugliest, tackiest crap I have ever seen in my life! I’ve wracked my brain for days yet still have no idea where they find these clothes or the jewelry. Carnival dumpster was the only location that made any real sense.

I was completely floored when I heard the host describing these items. They used words like "awe struck", "awe inspiring", "amazing" and "vibrant" I almost fell out of my chair when they described these carnival prize throwbacks as "beautiful" and "stunning"! Who writes this lie laden shit!? If you haven’t witnessed the atrocity to fashion that is HSN or QVC, trust me when I tell you folks, nothing that I saw on those channels would come close to any of those descriptions. Well, I take that back. I was “awe struck”. Awe struck that my IQ dropped 50 points when watching that crap!

I found myself wondering (out loud), where in the hell do they find the asshats who host these shows? They have to be the pathetic background extras that make up every film currently coming out of Hollywood and Bollywood. Speaking of extras! There was a guy on the other night that had a 900 year old live (I use that term loosely of course) caller on the air gushing all over him. He was so excited because the caller had seen him in a movie. I thought “Wow! Maybe this guy really IS somebody! He must have a pretty extensive background you know, a broad portfolio in the world of acting” Ummmm, yeah, not so much. He couldn’t even remember the movie he was in! He stood there with a stupid look on his face mumbling and fumbling for words. It’s great television when these call ins make the hosts deviate from the script and they actually have to think. You begin to see their real personality (or lack of) slip through. All of a sudden he exclaims the name of the movie, but here’s the funny and oh so predictable part- he WAS an extra, perched on a street corner looking idiotic! Point made.

So they stand there, describing in detail each piece of hideous crap, making you think that this intestinal bile is not only the latest and greatest that you simply can not live without but also what all of the top models and stars are wearing- insinuating that you will be shunned by high society if you don’t immediately add it to your growing collection of HSN/QVC crap. Seriously, polls indicate that homeless people wouldn’t even consider wearing this trash. In January. In the artic circle.

A few sleepless nights ago they were selling sheets thrown on a bed that looked like a 5 year old made it. These were some of the most visually repugnant sheets and pillow cases that I have ever had my eyes assaulted by. They spent 20 minutes telling the viewing audience how gorgeous they were. You know what? They were selling them by the dozens! Who buys this stuff you ask? I found the answer to that burning question when I heard each of the callers. My extensive research watching these two channels for hours on end, mutilating my brain to bring you this review reaped the answer; everybody in the demographic of oh, I don’t know, 2 days older than Christ.

Each evening I found myself wandering back to these channels. I watched as one would if they’d stumbled upon a train wreak or multi car pile up. They had on what they called "panties". That word- "panties", it evokes images of "cute", "sexy", "pretty". The word "panties" is in no shape, way, or form synonymous with the words "size 300X". These weren’t panties, they were parachutes with leg holes cut in them! Oh, and to the host presenting the gargantuan “panties”, thanks for turning them inside out and rubbing your hand all over the 2 foot long crotch to emphasize the "breathable cotton"- that was an image stained so deep into my retinas bleach won‘t take it out. Honey, whatever ass you shove into those isn’t going to be breathing. In fact I wouldn’t hesitate to say, the crotch that will be buying those ain’t seen fresh air in a looooong time!

How can I sum this tragedy up? Ah yes! Now, on to the models. These poor women can only be described as rejects from the “Special” Miss America Padgett (minus the helmets). They have the creepiest, “I kick puppies for fun” smiles plastered across their wax like faces, all the while modeling clothing and jewelry that they wouldn’t be caught dead behind a dumpster wearing. They blink their mascara encrusted eyes in slow motion, move in slow motion, and turn in slow motion. Based on their movement, I can only assume that they have to heavily drug these pitiable women to actually get them in the clothes. I found myself wanting to yell at the television “Hey! Move your ass so we can get this crap over!” The sad thing about is, when it was finally over, I just couldn’t wait to watch the horror unfold the next night!

I’m thinking about filing a lawsuit against HSN. I want my 6 hours back!

2 Freakin' Years!?

I started my blog 2 years ago today and all I can say is "Wow, what a waste of your time!"

Being an asshole can be expensive

Just ask the asshole that owns the car in the below picture. That’s not a “Congratulations! You’ve won the sweepstakes!” notice placed beneath his windshield wiper.

It’s a ticket, for $250.00.

Why did he get a ticket for $250.00 and what qualifies him as an asshole you ask? Because he’s parked in a handicap parking space but doesn’t have a permit. How many disabled people go to Wal-Mart at 3am (the time he was ticketed)? Well, one that I know of, my dad. My father is disabled and 9 times out of 10 he goes to stores late at night so he doesn’t have to wait in long lines or fight for parking. So some asshole like the above mentioned comes along, figures it’s 3am, who’s gonna care? I do and apparently so does the cop that wrote him the ticket. Had my dad gone to the store that idiot would have made him walk an additional 15 feet. Now that might not mean much to you or me- being able bodied, but it means a hell of a lot to someone who walks with two canes, has braces on both legs and fights (all the while, being grateful!) for every step he takes.

So in short he got a ticket for being a lazy, inconsiderate, dickhole. Ya know what? That sorry sack of crap is lucky, that parking space cost him $250.00, it cost my father a broken spine.

An open letter to the Potential Deadbeat eBay Seller

Remember the “Strike and Awe Until I Get my Shit” (aka: "Holy Shit, This Bitch Is Crazy!") campaign? Remember how it had a happy ending?

I guess I should formally announce that I may very well be on eve of yet another “operation”.

I think I may call this campaign “Rain Hell, Havoc and Misery Down Upon the Deadbeat eBay Seller Until I Get my Shit!” Yeah, I know, it’s a little “wordy” but I feel this title truly captures the essence of the impending battle.

As with every major war it starts in peace talks. The below letter (sent early this morning) is my metaphoric version of going to the U.N. and airing my grievance. Should this idiot not respond within a reasonable period of time, the next letter will be my official declaration of war.



Dear Potential Deadbeat eBay Seller,

I am writing in regard to eBay item #blah blah blah. Paypal sent me an email on January 23rd (the same day the auction ended) confirming payment had been transferred from my account to yours in the amount of $18.45. Today is February 5th, 13 days since auction end, I am wondering what the status my order is; has it been shipped? Thank you for your time in this matter I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Preparing myself for war!