Fuck Off Friday

Welcome to the third installment of “Fuck Off Friday”! The “Fuck Off Friday” journey began with this post. With all of the people, places, and things I’d like to tell to “Fuck Off” an idea was born. Can’t say it on your own blog but feel the need to tell someone, someplace or something to fuck off? Jump in and leave your very own special fuck off dedication in the comments.

Fuck Off Methadone Addict! I put up with pieces of shit like you in the pharmacy I slave at every day. I listen to your fucked up stories and lies every time you pick up your Methadone (my tax dollars pay for). You say you’re in a “program” and you’re getting your life straight. What the fuck ever! Every month you pop up with new burn marks on your fingers and lips. Instead of following that program and shaking the crack monkey, you enjoy being anally assaulted by him and the Methadone monkey. I do not pity you. You are a sorry piece of shit that will end up taking up space in an unmarked grave in potter’s field! You know who I pity? I pity the Morphine addict that is addicted to the shit because they’ve spent years in pain fighting cancer. Unlike you, they aren’t addicted by choice and they are literally fighting- for their lives. They aren’t offered a program, they aren‘t offered free drugs. The government gives you drugs to shake your habit which you turn into another habit. Meanwhile my cancer, Hep., HIV, MS., etc. patients suffer and die miserably because they can’t afford their medication. You want some sympathy asshole? Look it up in the dictionary. Here’s a hint for you….it’s between shit and syphilis!

Fuck Off Dog! I love you but damnit, your decision to fuck with that cat has had me worried sick! You know better!

Fuck Off Fellow Commuter! I didn’t have to let you out in traffic, I could have left your ass sitting there for another hour. What? It’s too much trouble to ask the person on your cell to hold a moment so you can acknowledge that I did something nice for you with a nod or wave, you ungrateful traffic Nazi? Well to hell with you and lesson learned! If I see you again not only will I not let you out I’ll get out of my car and explain to the person behind me why they shouldn’t let you out either! As Lushy would say; "Where’s my courtesy wave motherfucker!?"

Fuck Off Krazy K and Pitiful J! How fucking hard is it to pick up your phone and call dad for father’s day!? He did the best he could raising us as a bi-lateral paraplegic, that worked his ass off every fucking day, while fighting for his and our sanity because of an abusive alcoholic wife/mother. So she kills herself in a car accident 17 years ago and you two split. That’s real fucking nice. He’s an amazing person and a great dad; he deserves better than that. Every holiday I watch you break his heart and every holiday I hate you a little more for it. Ya know what really makes me sick? If either of you sorry fuckers called today he’d pick right up where you left off and be grateful for the call. Fuck both of you! I take comfort in knowing that you’ve got a special place reserved in hell for the way you‘ve treated him. And when you get there, give mom my best!

Fuck Off Shitty Tattoo Artist! You could have fucking warned me that you were starting- then maybe I wouldn’t have jumped and you wouldn’t have “slipped”. Now I’m going to have to get it fixed you retarded douchbag! Unlike you, my body isn’t covered in 8 billion flaming fucking skulls- that tattoo is a tribute to my dad; it means a lot to me- thanks for fucking that up.

And there you have it! That concludes this weeks craptastic Fuck Off Friday! Didn’t like it? Feel free to add yourself to the list.

Fuck Off Friday

Welcome to the second installment of a series I like to call “Fuck Off Friday”. I inadvertently began “Fuck Off Friday” with this post- which began on a Tuesday but that's beside the point. So, with all of the people, places, and things I’d like to tell to “Fuck Off” an idea was born. It's a great way to end the week. Plus, I really don’t feel like I vent in the form of vulgar, nasty rants nearly enough.

Can’t say it on your own blog but have a burning need to tell someone, someplace or something to fuck off? Feel free to leave a fuck off dedication in the comments.

Where to start…

Fuck Off Bachelorette! I just dropped over $100.00 on a gift for you and I don’t even know you that well. I hate feeling cornered into doing something nice simply because I work with the asshat I’m doing it for. That hot little number I bought you from Fredrick’s of Hollywood should be mine! We both know I’d look better in it anyway.

Fuck Off Amazon Seller! You put a CD I wanted up for sale, I buy it, then you inform me via email that you’re giving me my money back and will not be sending the CD. What was your excuse? “Memo from seller: Dear Customer, Sorry for the inconvenience but the item you ordered did not meet our quality control standards. Please contact us if you have any questions.” Yeah, I’ve got a question alright; What the fuck does that mean!? Why did you list the fucking CD in the first place if it “did not meet [y]our quality control standards”? Wait, don’t answer that because I already know! You listed it with no intention of selling it just to piss me the fuck off! Mission accomplished! Thanks for wasting my time.

Fuck Off Birth Control Manufacturers! And thanks for making me feel inept! The 7 “placebo” pills you provide me at the end of each pack that do absolutely nothing were put there just to mock me weren’t they? You insert 7 useless pills into the pack because you assume I’m a moron that can’t take a useful pill everyday for 21 days then stop for 7 days and pick back up on the eighth day. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not stupid. I don’t need to take a useless pill everyday for 7 days to remember where I left off. I’ve been in ownership of my vagina for 28 years now. I think I can handle it thankyouverylittle.

Fuck Off Norton! Yeah, I know my subscription ran out last week. You don’t have to remind me with that asinine little “You’re going to get hard drive herpes if you don’t purchase a renewal RIGHT NOW!!!!” pop up. Fuck you and your hard drive herpes- I’ll renew when I feel like it.

Fuck Off Burger King Employees! Have it your way, right away? Yeah well, not so fucking much apparently! My order wasn’t that difficult, really. A grilled chicken sandwich with only mustard, mayo and cheese & a large Sprite. How can you fuck up something so incredibly simple? What did you give me? A fried piece of shit you laughingly call a chicken sandwich with a pile of mustard on it the size of New Hampshire. It’s not grilled, it doesn’t have cheese on it and not a dab of mayo in sight. Oh, I ate it, just to spite you sonsofbitches! This is my lunch break you’re fucking with here people- thanks for ruining it!

And that concludes this week's craptastic Fuck Off Friday! Thanks for playing along!

Something Evil Has A Hard On For Me

And that’s not a good thing.

(WARNING: Considering I’ve had a crappy week and I’m feeling particularly bummed out this evening…a very rude rant is to ensue)

Where to begin, where to begin…How about a “Fuck Off” list?

Fuck Off IRS! It’s not my fault my job only took 2% out of my paycheck last year rather than the 10% you usually ramrod me for. I fucking claimed ZERO!!!! Send them the $900 dollar bill! Oh, you’re sending me the tab…no problem, I haven’t paid enough to put one of my therapists kids through college to have not picked up a coping skill or two from him. So how’s this for coping, every time you send me one of those threatening “Pay us or we’ll break your kneecaps” letters, I’m going to send you a check….for ten fucking dollars. And ya know what? As long as you cash that ten dollar check, you can’t send my ass to collections. How‘s that for coping?

Fuck Off Dickhole Who Subpoenaed D! Your wife is a goddamned schizo thief. D saw her steal. Three cops saw her steal. She admitted to stealing! Just because she’s married to some sorry ass shyster dickhole divorce lawyer….YOU….doesn’t give her a license to run around town stealing shit. Wanna make the world a better place? First you need to kick her ass for stealing, then you need to eat a bullet you stupid fuck! Should you choose not to go out that way, I hope you die of gonorrhea of the eyeballs and when you go to hell (where most of your kind goes) there are giant rabid gay Rottweilers hung like John Holmes waiting to pound your ass for an eternity. Oh D will show up for that deposition, but you’re going to wish to Christ he hadn’t.

Fuck Off Mother Nature! I’ve got enough problems on my plate right now. I could really do without adding “menstruation” to the list! I can't go one single month without my womb telling me what to do for a week.

Fuck Off Whoever Or Whatever Possessed D! I awoke a few days ago at three in the morning, rolled over only to find a bald man asleep where D should have been. Upon further inspection I discovered it WAS D. He’d shaved his fucking head. Why? Well while cutting his own hair (why he’d do this is beyond me) he “slipped up” and “shaved it a little too close” so he decided to go ahead and “shave it all off”. At 33 you’re too old to be doing stupid shit like this- he must have been possessed! Or he was showing Britney that he’s “down with the cause”.

Fuck Off Giant Spider! You didn’t get squished because I was scared of you. You got squished because you ambushed me and I have no respect for sneaky little bastards like you. You know what the difference is between you and me? I squished you to your face. You, you sly little shit, waited until my back was turned to jump me. Fucker.

Fuck Off Oscars! And the entire retarded spectacle surrounding them. I didn’t watch them….why? Because I’ve got more important shit going on in my life and even if I didn’t have anything to do I’d find, nay, actively search for something more constructive to do with my time!

Fuck Off Blogger! This “new” set up isn’t any better than the old one. All it accomplished was to make me think up stupid fucking labels to categorize my posts with. If I had wanted that feature, I would have gone with an online journal service that offered it and didn’t force itself on its users like a greedy eager prom date. Thanks for fucking up a good thing!