An open letter to the Retarded eBay Store Merchant

(Wow, it's been forever since I've done an open letter)

A new and improved “open letter”, now with gratuitous use of the word “shit” because this situation is “bullshit” !

Dear Retarded eBay Store Merchant,

Here’s how it works. You set up a little store on eBay to sell your shit. I come along, see a piece of shit I can’t live without that I must add to my accumulation of shit and thoroughly read the description of the shit you‘re selling. Your shit fits the bill, I’ve gotta have it- cause’ well, it’s the shit! Menacingly written within your description is “Payment is due within 3 days of purchase!”. BUT, you’ve got a really decent feedback rating so that seems to take the edge off of your shitty insinuated/implied threat. Again, after thoroughly reading and comprehending your description and instructions, I buy your shit. The very next day I mail you money to ensure the speedy procurement of my shit. Then here’s how it’s SUPPOSED to continue.... You get my money and mail me my shit. A week or so later, I check my mail and sure as shit, there it is! We leave each other positive feedback in the process. The end. No bullshit.

Seems simple enough right, asshat? Then why do you have to screw up such a simple process. Here, let’s go through this step by numerical step.

1/ You sell shit on your eBay store.

2/ I see and purchase your shit.

3/ I mail you money for said shit.

4/ You receive the money and in turn mail me my shit.

5/ You leave me positive feedback saying “This chick is the shit! She paid within 3 days and is an asset to the eBay community”.

6/ I get my shit within a REASONABLE period of time.

7/ Happy with my shit, I reciprocate your positive feedback saying “This seller is the shit! My shit was exactly as described, was shipped warp speed fast and arrived in perfect condition. Said seller is an asset to the eBay community and I highly recommend them!”

Seven simple steps asshat. Seven simple steps that you have to come along and screw up. So here’s how it actually happened and where the shit hit the fan…

I saw your shit, bought your shit and paid for your shit. I gave you my money, for your shit. It’s now MY shit. Soooo, where’s my shit? I bought it on the 5th, mailed my payment on the 6th, emailed you on the 20th requesting the status of my order and now today, the 25th, called your stupid ass and left a message. Still nothing. So what? Am I shit out of luck? Because right about now I'm starting to feel like I'm up shits creek without a paddle.

I think you’ve forgotten a few very important key factors in this shitty business transaction: I know your name, I have your home address and I also have your phone number. Do you really think it’s a good idea to piss a complete stranger (me) off over 5 bucks? I’d have to say it’d definitely be in your best interest to mail my shit to me immediately or be subject to a snail mail, email and phone call campaign which will hence forth be known as “Strike and Awe Until I Get my Shit”. (aka: "Holy Shit, This Bitch Is Crazy!") Now you may ask yourself, "Would she really go that far over 5 bucks?" You can bet your ass I would. I shit you not.

So in summary, I want my shit. Now. See, here’s the thing- you could have totally avoided this unfortunate situation one of two ways. A/ You could have sent my shit in a reasonable period of time or B/ You could have simply stated in your item description “I expect payment within 3 days but you won’t get your shit for 30.” Then you would have been kind enough to give someone potentially interested in your shit the right to decide if they want to wait that long.

Thanks for screwing up a very simple process. I look forward to you getting your shit together!

Sincerely,
Pissed That I Still Don’t Have My Shit