All things “girly” and "pouty"...

Here’s where I get my pout on and wallow in a little self pity. Deal. It beats going out and buying a pack of cigarettes.

WARNING: This is a pity driven rant, it in no way means life has always or will always be like this, it just means at one point or another it was and or is and I want to get it out….that’s the point in ranting….that’s the point of my blog.

I miss being “girly”.

I take that back, I miss my “girlieness” being noticed and/or appreciated. Yes, I know it will shock some of you out there to know, I haven't always been the butch bitch I am today. There dwells deep within me a soft spoken, gentle, vulgarity free woman. Stop laughing, I’m serious!
The individual that sits before you comes from a home where at times the walls exude testosterone; “feelings” consist of “Pissed”, “Irritated” and “Not Interested”. Love has been expressed by exchanges like this one... Me: “I wish you’d show me you love me a little more often” Him: “I bring home a paycheck and take care of you don’t I?” and that’s when I get hurt. That’s when I want to say “Fuck you, I bring home a paycheck too! Paychecks aren’t the point here!” But I don’t because that doesn’t work. In one ear and out the other. So, another night goes by with someone on the couch and little more "bitter" builds.

The days of my home smelling like different exotic fragrances are long gone. Now it seems to smell of sanitizer more often than not. Sanitizer, sanitizing funky man shoes. The bathroom used to smell like a woman. It was gently fragrant- Tiffany perfume, powders, my homemade lotions and scented soaps. Now it reeks of Boss and Cool Water and industrial strength deodorant and harsh, skin peeling man soap. The bedroom was the same, it used to smell of whatever essential oil or lotion I was wearing that week or the homemade scented candles I used to burn: Rain, Jasmine, Tiffany, Rose, Honeysuckle, Patchouli….Now? Now it mostly smells like socks. Socks and Odor-Eaters.

There was a time when showering, dabbing on a light fragrance and moisturizing freshly shaven legs with subtle scented lotion was comment worthy. Now instead of hearing a deep inhalation and “God you smell amazing!” I hear (from the other room) “HAHAHAHA! Hey honey, come watch this guy get his ass kicked on Cops! I think they’re gonna sic the dog on him! HAHAHA!!!” I’m not saying I should be praised for bathing and I know the above statement kinda comes off that way. “Hey, way to go Aza, you washed your smelly butt today. Want a cookie or a gold star?”.

All I’m saying is I wish the little things still mattered or were at least commented on. I wish it was recognized that I run a household, make sure all of the bills get paid, do most of the shopping, cook most of the meals, pick up the occasional semester at school, go to the gym, try to look after my dad’s needs, and oh yeah, I have a job. It would be different if I stayed home all day and this was my job but running the house much less attempting to look cute in the process is just one of many. That’s why I wish my efforts were recognized rather than feeling like they‘re expected. So here’s a few tips for the guys in the audience…

~ Toilets don’t clean themselves…someone does that job. If you haven’t cleaned it lately, guess who has? The same rule applies to the sink, shower and floors.

~ If you’re gym sneakers don’t stink, guess why, because someone set them in the sun for a few hours or put some powder in them. You’re just going to have to trust me when I say the reason your nasty sneakers don’t stink IS NOT because your foot sweat doesn’t smell like ass.

~ When she says “We need to talk” chances are, as frivolous as you think the topic is, she thinks it’s life or death (or it at least feels that way to her). Now is not the time to lessen or downplay what she has to say or how she's feeling. Now is the time to listen with a compassionate ear and be ready to brain storm solutions with her until the crisis has passed (even if it was just in her mind all along).

~ If you wake up to find your hands soft, supple and moisturized it’s because someone was sweet enough to massage lotion into those hard, calloused, sand paper factories while you were sleeping. Contrary to popular male belief (and it seems like only married men believe this) hands are not self lubricating and there is no such thing as lotion fairies. Let’s face it, for most men the only thing your hands got moisturized with before you got married was with K-Y or Jergens and it wasn‘t because you were interested in your hands appearance or even skin care in general.

~ Women are born soft however, we have to work at it to stay that way. Why do you think the lotion, shampoo/conditioner, body wash, foot care, essential oil and exfoliating product industry is an actual industry…because we make it one. We buy all of that crap to stay soft, moisturized and smelling pretty.

~ Please do not take for granted the effort we go to. Just think of it this way- If we didn’t go to the trouble, we’d smell and feel like you. Now ask yourself this, “Do I want to have sex with something that bathed in cologne, has rough hands and creepy feet?” It’s not an appealing thought is it?

~ If you’re pissed off or angry about something for God’s sake SAY SOMETHING! The “silent treatment” is all of the following: cruel, childish, selfish, hurtful and shows major power and control issues on your part.

~ If you walk into a clean room yet you know you didn’t leave it that way when you left for work that morning, I promise it wasn’t house cleaning gnomes. Someone went to work, worked a 9 hour shift, came home and cleaned up after you right before starting dinner.

~ Bitching about dinner isn’t conducive to it being made often. Do not complain when there isn’t enough salt, pick up a salt shaker and use it. Do not complain when it hasn’t hit the table fast enough, walk your butt into the kitchen and ask if there’s anything you can do to help (please attempt to make it sound sincere).

~ When you walk into a room, see candles burning, hear soft music playing, smell a heavenly scent and see a scantily clad woman before you with lust in her eyes….SHE’D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU! Kicking off your shoes and turning on the television will not only fuck up her self esteem it will simultaneously hurt her feelings and piss her off.

~ Similarly, when she walks into a room fresh out of a hot bath or the shower draped in a towel, stops at the door and says or does something sexy with lust in her eyes…again (and I'm really stressing these)…SHE’D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU! Turning back to the television and saying something stupid will not only fuck up her self esteem it will simultaneously hurt her feelings and piss her off.

~ Intentionally withholding sex will as mentioned above, fuck up her self esteem and simultaneously hurt her feelings and piss her off. Instead of fantasizing about you…. having sex with her when she masturbates, she will fantasize about you….. getting served.

~ When she says “I could really use some support right now” pulling out your cell phone to play the latest downloaded game or turning on the television is just plain rude. It is at this time that it would be in your personal best interest to take 5 minutes out of your busy schedule, remember all of the times she has been there for you and give her those 5 minutes. I can almost guarantee you she is not looking for solutions, instant answers or a quick fix. She's probably just seeking a shoulder and an ear. Remember the old saying “A burden shared…” yeah, that’s the point.

This is the short, short, short list guys, feel free to share it with your friends. To sum it all up in a single sentence “Showing gratitude gets you laid while making those laying you feel good about themselves and all they do”. It really is a win-win situation. It all boils down to a touch of gratitude and a bit of appreciation goes a long way in a woman‘s world.

Do I feel better now that I wallowed in pity? Nope, cause I know it won’t do a damn bit of good.