Yeah, smart move asshat!

Alternatively titled "Strike and Awe Until I Get my Shit Part 2: A Happy Ending"


Dear Retarded eBay Store Merchant,

Guess you got the picture, huh? What was it about the “Strike and Awe Until I Get my Shit“ campaign that finally made you fold- the emails….the 800 voicemails….? I hadn‘t even gotten to the snail mail part! Did you think because you finally picked up your phone and had quite a lovely conversation about my MIA shit after the 500th call you could pacify me and I’d shrink back into the shadows to forever leave you in peace? Without my shit? All that conversation accomplished was to tell me a little more about you, your family, your background and all I wanted it to do for you was tell you how serious I was about getting my shit. I don't think I got that message through clearly enough as I was still shitless a week later. Well, 300 more phone calls must have been quite the surprise for you. Your decision to finally send me my shit on February 20th (as the package is postdated) was a good one, because for the last week I’ve been pricing plane tickets.

I will admit, I don’t understand the message behind the shit you sent gratis with my original order. That includes the “I Heart You” lollipop. What? Were you trying to freak me out a little by packaging everything in that heart covered ziplock? Were you trying to express in the form of heart shaped candy and free shit that after our lovely conversation you’ve become smitten by me? A little enamored? Well, let me explain something to you, you freaky little fucknut- I don’t freak that easy! In fact you could pretty much do anything- shy of me coming home to find my Betta boiling in his bowl on the stove- and I wouldn’t give a shit.

So, in summery- good job on getting your shit together and sending my shit! That's the best $5 fucking dollars I've spent in ages! As for the gratis shit? I’ve justified keeping it based on the fact that I had to wait well over a month to get my shit. However, I threw away the lollipop as you probably dipped it in poison. Have a nice life penis wrinkle!

Sincerely,
Glad I Finally Got My Shit

P.S.
Call me, we’ll do dinner. XOXOXO