Sensibility and booze don't work well together

There is a little known about but regularly used organ hidden deep within the recesses of the brain called “sensibility” (though it goes by many names; good judgment, conscience, scruples, etc.). Everyone has it, most use it; with the exception of Darwin Award winners, of course. It’s that little thing that makes you look both ways before barreling through busy intersections, keeps you from sticking your tongue in electrical outlets, tells you your limitations when drinking and keeps you from having your famous last words be “Hey ya’ll, looky here!” We use it everyday yet it goes unnoticed for the most part because most of us are born with it. We’re used to it being around- that quiet little voice advising us not be to stupid.

It is important to note that alcohol consumed in vast quantity (and other drugs I’m sure) render this little organ completely useless- that’s where binge drinking, alcohol poisoning and driving after imbibing (those vast quantities) come in. Prior to disabling this little organ it is best to plan your evening carefully: a designated driver (or a pre-paid taxi), a map to the nearest hospital and a trusted friend trained in the Heimlich maneuver that’s willing to stay up all night watching you with the eyes of a hawk so when you start choking on your own vomit, you do not end up in your local city morgue with a stupid “How’d I get here?” expression on your face.

Where in the hell am I going with all of this? That’s a good question.

Sadly, as a child my “sensibility” organ was either beaten clean out of my head or to the point of spontaneous malfunction (it’s a large debate among my family). Come to think of it, most of the women in my family have or have had a malfunctioning sensibility organ with regard to drinking (which lends to the theory that stupid may truly be genetic). Where this little organ in a lot of folks malfunctions in survivable ways: choosing crummy partners, hanging out with the wrong crowd, buying cars they can’t really afford- the organ in the women of my family malfunctions (or is maybe ignored and or unplugged) during any kind of decisions made involving the quantity of alcohol consumed by the average 125 pound person. Ultimately this malfunction led to an early death for my mother (yes, an alcohol related car accident), chronic alcoholism in my sister and binge alcoholism within myself. I use the term binge for myself because I only drink two to three times a year now…but when I do, I’m lucky I survive it.

So I guess the whole point to this is…listen to your inner sensibility organ, or win a Darwin award.

I bid thee farewell for now as I have vomit to hose off my lawn and grass stains to scrubs out of the knees of my jeans- because last night, I nearly won a Darwin award.