Yeah, I'm here

So, Latté was all like “Hey man, you need to update your blog” and I was all like “Yeah but it’s so much more fun to hang around and harass you on yours. Plus, you have way more interesting stuff going on over here.” Then she was all like “Look, I’ve tried being polite about this but here’s the thing- It’s closing time. You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.”

Okay, so none of that really happened. But it was an exchange I’d imagine could have happened. Plus, it helped me start a new post.

Kojak is starting a blog. Actually, I’m starting a blog for Kojak as he has no real ‘net experience. In fact the only real computer experience he has is on the laptop in his cruiser when he's running your tag deciding whether or not you‘re going to go to jail for that hooker you locked in your trunk who managed to pop out your tail light and wave for help (or does that only happen to Dyck?). So as he patrols the city hopefully he will post about some of the funny shit he runs across or at least rant about that Mr. Ed fucked Tammy Baker lookin’ reject of a soon to be ex-wife of his.

His link is over in my sidebar (Glock N’ Cuffs) but I’m not going to officially start whoring his blog out until the template/design is done and he’s ready to start posting.

So there, I posted.

Because it’s gratis and it’s poop. It’s gratis poop!

Okay dear reader I’m offering you, yes you, a challenge. Because lets face it, I’m just to fucking lazy busy to squeeze something creative out.

I MUST have Gratis Poop!!!

But I want, nay, need your help…

So the folks over at I Love Chicken Poop.com are giving away free Poop. I love their Poop, especially because of the prospect of it being free and the reality of me being poor. They are having a contest called "Compete For Poop!!". Basically the competition consists of sending in a clever picture of yourself, friends, family, pets, etc... with a Chicken Poop product. They will in turn post the best picture (mine), pick a winner (me) and send (me) free Poop.

I only have my Chicken Poop Tee to work with as I can’t find my G’damned Chicken Poop Chapstick anywhere!

Here’s where you come in. As previously mentioned, I’ve not been feeling terribly creative lately so I’m asking all two of my devoted readers to help me decide what kind of ingenious (winning) picture I should submit. Please keep idiotic suggestions to yourself as they only make us both look stupid- you for coming up with it and me for actually considering it.

If I win because of your suggestion, I will send you a very nice thank you card and um….., be like appreciative and stuff?

So could you please help me out already?

Who the hell is that and do I really care!?

I hate it when I go to a blog and the author says something like “So Sarah and I killed the guy, dug a deep hole in the backyard and proceeded to make sweet, sweet love a top the shallow grave!”. The first thing that comes to my mind is “Who the fuck is Sarah!? Your homicidal BFF, a coworker, some hooker you picked up last week and made a major connection with, your dog?” (the latter certainly being the most entertaining and interesting an idea). This elusive example sucks for the reader because as the reader you‘re stuck trying to figure out who the fuck Sarah is and whether or not you care.

But I also hate going to blogs and seeing the author say “So Sarah (my dog) and I killed the guy, then (my dog) Sarah and I dug a deep hole in the backyard and Sarah (Sarah’s my dog) and I proceeded to make sweet, sweet love a top the shallow grave!” This redundant example sucks for the author and the reader. The author feeling the need to annoy the shit out of their readers by constantly reiterating who Sarah is and the reader being made to feel like they ride the short bus by having constantly been reminded.

Some blog author’s wouldn’t give a shit if you knew who “Sarah” was. They’d figure “If these assholes want to know who Sarah is and how Sarah fits in my life, they’ll stick around and hope I post more information that will bring Sarah’s role in my life to light.” That strikes me as rather selfish. How do you decipher who the characters are when you’re not an “every day” reader. How does the author fill the reader in without being superfluous? Where’s the happy middle ground for authors not wanting to repeat themselves and readers not wanting to read authors repeating themselves?

I’d think the happy middle ground is in a post like this (as mentally challenged as it may seem) being permanently linked somewhere handicap accessible on the page…

Who The Hell Is She Talking About!?

The people I occasionally reference in my posts…

D- Some poor idiot I duped into marrying me 12 years ago
Dad- I won’t assume my readers are so stupid that they can’t figure this one out
Kojak (or The Cop or Officer Hottie)- My BFF
Tabby (or Ms. T)- My other BFF
George (or Whore-Hey)- My EX!!!! douchebag therapist
Krazy K- My psychotic, neurotic, alcoholic sister
Pitiful J- My lazy ass, pot head, half brother
Fat Nasty (or MIL)- Mother In Law (duh!)
The Harpy (or SIL)- Sister In Law (see above)

So the next time you find yourself asking “Who the hell is she talking about!?” There you have it.

tap, tap, tap…Is this thing on?

Hmmm, 5 months.

Kinda feels more like 5 minutes.

Then again, 5 minutes can feel like an eternity when life has had a 5 month bout of emotional (or maybe karmic?) diarrhea and you happen to be the shitter it chose.

I don’t even know where to start… or if I should even bother for that matter. I don’t want to start where I left off because so much has transpired it would almost make me feel like I’m trivializing major life events, not to mention the clean up efforts.

To answer the burning question, “Did you vacation in Belleview?” The answer is, no. And to be honest, I’m pretty fucking bitter about that. It should have been me. I should have been committed, me! It wasn’t me, it was a direct relation to me. A very direct relation to me. This really should come as no shock- anyone who knows me personally for any length of time usually ends up in the nut house, prison or a convent.

I do know one thing, I’m sick of not blogging. So for not knowing where to start I guess this is it.

Now if you'll excuse me, Tapout is on and very few things bring me more joy than watching someone get their ass handed to them.