Timothy Leary's dead

No, no no no, he's outside looking in.…

I’ve come to the conclusion that I must have some serious issues with my limbic system.

In the last six years…
Neurontin for quite awhile (anticonvulsant), Lamictal very briefly (which is another anticonvulsant) then, Klonopin (an anti-seizure) again, for quite awhile usually taken PRN (a big no-no). And a little of this and that in between that didn’t seem to work out so well either.

A few weeks ago I played with the idea (and finally committed to it) that Klonopin would be a thing of the past in the near future. It’s addictive; over a period of time people tend to need more to get the same effect and it’s notorious for deepening depression. Seems to me that a person could begin playing psychosomatic games with themselves while taking it too.


Humor my theory (or at least find the humor in my theory). Let’s say an individual has been diagnosed “anxiety disorder” (read: panic attack prone)- if you subscribe to that sort of thing- and prescribed Klonopin (yet they do not know the true nature of the beast/drug). After taking it, for the first time in a long time they’re not scared anymore. Keep in mind their “triggers” (those things that would normally induce a panic attack) are still hanging around, but now they’ve become somewhat unnoticed which in turn leaves them unaddressed. After taking the Klonopin for awhile these triggers, start being a little less unnoticed. So naturally the person would take more of said drug to reduce the possibility of going back to where they started. Still, the triggers go unaddressed (or they are addressed on purpose in the wrong ways which could delude a person into believing they are “getting to the core issues“ when in actuality it’s an excuse for taking more of the drug) and in the meantime an addiction is silently born. A nasty pattern begins. Thanks, I think I’ll pass Go and collect my $200 dollars.

Now- as of yesterday anyway, Seroquel (a novel little antipsychotic) which is lacking such an addictive nature, is on the menu. I’m working my way around to taking trigger avoidance off of the menu.

Anyone who’s ever taken a psychotropic knows that most of them can have the following three psychological impacts in common at the start (this is not always the sequence in which these commonalities fall, btw): The drooling zombie effect (heading you off at the pass, no, it’s no relation to the movie The Butterfly Effect). Then, a continual sneaking notion of “Whatever, fuck it” or “Who gives a shit? Cause right now I know I sure don’t!” and finally, feeling like you’re outside looking in. After a few days these three main symptoms tend to ease and either other symptoms set in (depending on the drug) or you begin to regain and maintain a semblance of “normalcy” (for lack of better terms while trying not to crack a smile).

So in summary: standing outside looking in, that is. I have no idea where I was going to go with this.

Oh! I remember now, I’ve come to the conclusion that I must have some serious issues with my limbic system. But that is how all of this started so- whatever, fuck it.