100+ Things
Cross sections of reality
Me: So I’m thinking this is what it must feel like when your dead.
Dad: Wouldn’t surprise me.
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Me: The only way I can describe it is- Have you ever had too much to drink but didn’t know it until you were put in a serious situation? You know, you’re half way through the drive home when it hits you “Oh shit! I SO shouldn’t be driving right now!”
Tabby: Oh yeah.
Me: Yeah, that’s the feeling I get every time I get behind the wheel and all throughout the day for that matter. Well, that or like I’m waiting to wake up. I’ve actually questioned myself on a few occasions on the way to work; Is this a dream?
Tabby: Oh shit, man!
Me: It’s fucking fucked and so am I.
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Me: Have you been going into work early to avoid being around me?
D: No! You know I have a lot to get done before the boss comes back from vacation. Why would you ask that?
Me: Because I think you hate seeing me............ like this.
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Me: I feel like I should be grieving. I can actually feel the cynicism and sarcasm dying inside of me. I’m chemically dissecting and murdering aspects of my personality as we speak to make myself more tolerable to others. And then what will be left? An empty fucking shell.
Dad: Well, if you’d murder that foul language and smoking habit, I’d be happy.
Me: *sigh* fuck.
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Me (anonymous over the phone): So these side effects are normal and upping the dose by 50mg every 4 days until I hit 200mg is a common way to prescribe?
A Pharmacist: Yeah, problem is you don’t know what your maintenance dose is and won‘t for awhile. Some people maintain on 50mg, others need 400mg.
Me (anonymous over the phone): I’m just trying to figure out right now if the ends justify the means and I really don’t know that I’m in a position to try to do that when all of this feels like a dream.
A Pharmacist: Hon, it boils down to this- This is a tough drug to get on and you need to know, it’s just as tough getting off. You’re in for a rough ride.
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Me: I think I’m changing and I think I might hate what I’m changing into.
Dad: Better the demons we know than the angels yet met, huh?
Dad: Wouldn’t surprise me.
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Me: The only way I can describe it is- Have you ever had too much to drink but didn’t know it until you were put in a serious situation? You know, you’re half way through the drive home when it hits you “Oh shit! I SO shouldn’t be driving right now!”
Tabby: Oh yeah.
Me: Yeah, that’s the feeling I get every time I get behind the wheel and all throughout the day for that matter. Well, that or like I’m waiting to wake up. I’ve actually questioned myself on a few occasions on the way to work; Is this a dream?
Tabby: Oh shit, man!
Me: It’s fucking fucked and so am I.
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Me: Have you been going into work early to avoid being around me?
D: No! You know I have a lot to get done before the boss comes back from vacation. Why would you ask that?
Me: Because I think you hate seeing me............ like this.
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Me: I feel like I should be grieving. I can actually feel the cynicism and sarcasm dying inside of me. I’m chemically dissecting and murdering aspects of my personality as we speak to make myself more tolerable to others. And then what will be left? An empty fucking shell.
Dad: Well, if you’d murder that foul language and smoking habit, I’d be happy.
Me: *sigh* fuck.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Me (anonymous over the phone): So these side effects are normal and upping the dose by 50mg every 4 days until I hit 200mg is a common way to prescribe?
A Pharmacist: Yeah, problem is you don’t know what your maintenance dose is and won‘t for awhile. Some people maintain on 50mg, others need 400mg.
Me (anonymous over the phone): I’m just trying to figure out right now if the ends justify the means and I really don’t know that I’m in a position to try to do that when all of this feels like a dream.
A Pharmacist: Hon, it boils down to this- This is a tough drug to get on and you need to know, it’s just as tough getting off. You’re in for a rough ride.
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Me: I think I’m changing and I think I might hate what I’m changing into.
Dad: Better the demons we know than the angels yet met, huh?
Labels: My Psychosis
Posted by Aza at 9:16 PM::
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5 Thoughts On The Subject
i know nothing about your struggle, but i'm thinking if you're coming off something that's got to be a good thing, no matter who emerges.
Unfortunately this isn’t withdrawal. This is me trying to adjust to the Seroquel (and not handling the side effects very well).
I love you.
Good luck on the Seroquel. I was on it for about a week but couldn't handle it. However, I know others who've benefited from it, so ... hang in there!
Ditto, Rose! And thank you!
and ditto, Hum. I had to call my doctor today about the side effects. She told me to stop taking it right now (which scared the shit out of me). Apparently my system just can't do it. The severe cramps I woke up with today in conjunction with the "muscle movements" and everything else is just too much. I can't do it.
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