Crazy people, the black plague and internal hemorrhoids

The insane woman I mentioned in the previous entry was back today. She came up to me and began to cry as she apologized for losing it yesterday. I handed her tissue and tried to comfort her by telling her that I took what she said seriously but I didn’t take it personal. I wanted to say “Hell Ms. So-and-so, half the time I’m one pill away from the nut house (or prison).” Since shit rolls down hill and usually takes about a week to do so, I’ll know if this has truly blown over sometime next week.

I took a nap when I got home from work tonight. D is on his last overnight shift so I woke up around 11 and gave him a call to tell him about my day at work and to figure out what I’m supposed to take him for dinner (which he’ll probably be eating around 3:30am or so). I’ve got class at 8am, it’s now nearly 1:45am and I’m avoiding my homework like the black plague.... Which brings to mind a paper I wrote on the Bubonic plague my second term into college titled “The Black Death”. My English comp. professor thought I was a freak but I got an A. My second paper? “How To Survive A Pap Smear”, it also got an A and had a little note from her at the bottom that said “This was hilarious! You should submit it to Cosmo.” There, see? I'm doing it right now. I'm avoiding my homework by blathering on about nothing. I digress.

And finally…..An open letter to the gentleman that wanted to discuss with me the possibility that he might have an internal hemorrhoid today.

Dear Sir,

You explained to me in the greatest form of depth and detail a human could possibly explain to another that you’re having a major ass issue. The detailed information you bestowed upon me in the course of nearly 45 minutes could have been neatly and less nauseatingly summed up in 5 minutes. You’ve admitted that you’ve purchased at least $50 in laxatives in the last few days. That money could and should have been spent on a doctors co-pay to figure out what the fuck is happening to your anus, rectum, lower intestines and stool.

Which brings me to my next point. Just because I can look you straight in the eye and use words like “anus”, “rectum” and “stool” without cracking a smile doesn’t mean I’m not in hysterics on the inside. It also does not mean I’m a doctor nor does it mean I want to discuss your “anus”, “rectum” or “stool” for 45 minutes. I am but a mere pharmacy technician. But since you want my “professional opinion” here it is. Your body is in my view sending out a pretty big mayday. A/ You’re in a great deal of pain. B/ Whatever is prohibiting you from taking the browns to the superbowl needs to be addressed, immediately. And C/ If you have an intestinal obstruction you could die. Really, what more needs to be said here?

I’d also like to take this opportunity to say that starting a conversation off with “Oh wow, ummm, I don’t know how comfortable I feel with telling such a pretty young lady and a complete stranger what I’m about to tell you….” should tell you something. It should tell you that if you’re uncomfortable with discussing your anus, rectum and stool with “such a pretty young lady and a complete stranger” that is not a doctor maybe you should do us both a favor and not. This does however raise a question in my mind. If your (temporary) reservation of telling me about your ass in such depth and detail was based on the fact that I’m a “complete stranger” then this would lead me to believe that all of your friends and or family know about this issue because they are not “complete strangers”. If none of them have told you to see a doctor you might want to re-evaluate your friendships after you fully evaluate (with a doctor) what is wrong with your tail end. Now that we both know you can muster the courage to take on such a taboo subject with a “pretty young lady” and “complete stranger” it is my deepest most sincere hope that you will take on this subject with your doctor before you kill yourself with laxatives.

In summery, I think you should ask my boss to give me a raise based soley on the fact that I held my composure like a Marine when you made the following statements throughout our conversation not once but twice (honestly, I really did hear you the first time) “It feels like my rectum is on fire when I use Prep-H wipes or laxative suppositories but it also hurts real deep inside so that must mean it’s an internal hemorrhoid, right?! I mean, it hurts so bad I double over!” and “I feel like there’s a hard stool up there and I wanna push all the time but nothing comes out!” With that last exclamatory statement I leave you sir. But before I do, please, for the love of all that is holy, go see a freaking doctor!