An open letter to the Retarded eBay Store Merchant

(Wow, it's been forever since I've done an open letter)

A new and improved “open letter”, now with gratuitous use of the word “shit” because this situation is “bullshit” !

Dear Retarded eBay Store Merchant,

Here’s how it works. You set up a little store on eBay to sell your shit. I come along, see a piece of shit I can’t live without that I must add to my accumulation of shit and thoroughly read the description of the shit you‘re selling. Your shit fits the bill, I’ve gotta have it- cause’ well, it’s the shit! Menacingly written within your description is “Payment is due within 3 days of purchase!”. BUT, you’ve got a really decent feedback rating so that seems to take the edge off of your shitty insinuated/implied threat. Again, after thoroughly reading and comprehending your description and instructions, I buy your shit. The very next day I mail you money to ensure the speedy procurement of my shit. Then here’s how it’s SUPPOSED to continue.... You get my money and mail me my shit. A week or so later, I check my mail and sure as shit, there it is! We leave each other positive feedback in the process. The end. No bullshit.

Seems simple enough right, asshat? Then why do you have to screw up such a simple process. Here, let’s go through this step by numerical step.

1/ You sell shit on your eBay store.

2/ I see and purchase your shit.

3/ I mail you money for said shit.

4/ You receive the money and in turn mail me my shit.

5/ You leave me positive feedback saying “This chick is the shit! She paid within 3 days and is an asset to the eBay community”.

6/ I get my shit within a REASONABLE period of time.

7/ Happy with my shit, I reciprocate your positive feedback saying “This seller is the shit! My shit was exactly as described, was shipped warp speed fast and arrived in perfect condition. Said seller is an asset to the eBay community and I highly recommend them!”

Seven simple steps asshat. Seven simple steps that you have to come along and screw up. So here’s how it actually happened and where the shit hit the fan…

I saw your shit, bought your shit and paid for your shit. I gave you my money, for your shit. It’s now MY shit. Soooo, where’s my shit? I bought it on the 5th, mailed my payment on the 6th, emailed you on the 20th requesting the status of my order and now today, the 25th, called your stupid ass and left a message. Still nothing. So what? Am I shit out of luck? Because right about now I'm starting to feel like I'm up shits creek without a paddle.

I think you’ve forgotten a few very important key factors in this shitty business transaction: I know your name, I have your home address and I also have your phone number. Do you really think it’s a good idea to piss a complete stranger (me) off over 5 bucks? I’d have to say it’d definitely be in your best interest to mail my shit to me immediately or be subject to a snail mail, email and phone call campaign which will hence forth be known as “Strike and Awe Until I Get my Shit”. (aka: "Holy Shit, This Bitch Is Crazy!") Now you may ask yourself, "Would she really go that far over 5 bucks?" You can bet your ass I would. I shit you not.

So in summary, I want my shit. Now. See, here’s the thing- you could have totally avoided this unfortunate situation one of two ways. A/ You could have sent my shit in a reasonable period of time or B/ You could have simply stated in your item description “I expect payment within 3 days but you won’t get your shit for 30.” Then you would have been kind enough to give someone potentially interested in your shit the right to decide if they want to wait that long.

Thanks for screwing up a very simple process. I look forward to you getting your shit together!

Sincerely,
Pissed That I Still Don’t Have My Shit

My Fine Is...$555.10

I jacked this from over at Tuna Girl’s place.

I had to actually go searching for a calculator to tally mine up. That’s just sad. By the way, does anyone else smell brimstone, or is it just me?


Here’s how it works: You don’t have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine. (Not per incident!) Tally up your score and post it on your blog with the title… ”My Fine Is…”

Smoked pot — $10
Did acid — $5
Ever had sex at church — $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you — $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace — $25
Had sex for money — $100
Vandalized something — $20
Had sex on your parents’ bed — $10
Beat up someone — $20
Been jumped — $10
Crossed dressed — $10
Given money to stripper — $25
Been in love with a stripper — $20
Kissed some one who’s name you didn’t know — $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work — $15
Ever drive drunk — $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk — $50
Used toys while having sex — $30
Got drunk, passed out and don’t remember the night before — $20
Went skinny dipping — $5
Had sex in a pool — $20
Kissed someone of the same sex — $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex — $20
Cheated on your significant other — $10
Masturbated — $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend — $20
Done oral — $5
Got oral — $5
Done/got oral in a car while it was moving — $25
Stole something — $10
Had sex with someone in jail — $25
Made a nasty home video — $15
Had a threesome — $50
Had sex in the wild — $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex — $25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars — $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older — $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 — $25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time — $50
Said you love someone but didn’t mean it — $25
Went streaking — $5
Went streaking in broad daylight — $15
Been arrested — $5
Spent time in jail — $15
Peed in the pool — $0.50
Played spin the bottle — $5
Done something you regret — $20
Had sex with your best friend — $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work — $25
Had anal sex — $80
Lied to your mate — $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good — $25

All things “girly” and "pouty"...

Here’s where I get my pout on and wallow in a little self pity. Deal. It beats going out and buying a pack of cigarettes.

WARNING: This is a pity driven rant, it in no way means life has always or will always be like this, it just means at one point or another it was and or is and I want to get it out….that’s the point in ranting….that’s the point of my blog.

I miss being “girly”.

I take that back, I miss my “girlieness” being noticed and/or appreciated. Yes, I know it will shock some of you out there to know, I haven't always been the butch bitch I am today. There dwells deep within me a soft spoken, gentle, vulgarity free woman. Stop laughing, I’m serious!
The individual that sits before you comes from a home where at times the walls exude testosterone; “feelings” consist of “Pissed”, “Irritated” and “Not Interested”. Love has been expressed by exchanges like this one... Me: “I wish you’d show me you love me a little more often” Him: “I bring home a paycheck and take care of you don’t I?” and that’s when I get hurt. That’s when I want to say “Fuck you, I bring home a paycheck too! Paychecks aren’t the point here!” But I don’t because that doesn’t work. In one ear and out the other. So, another night goes by with someone on the couch and little more "bitter" builds.

The days of my home smelling like different exotic fragrances are long gone. Now it seems to smell of sanitizer more often than not. Sanitizer, sanitizing funky man shoes. The bathroom used to smell like a woman. It was gently fragrant- Tiffany perfume, powders, my homemade lotions and scented soaps. Now it reeks of Boss and Cool Water and industrial strength deodorant and harsh, skin peeling man soap. The bedroom was the same, it used to smell of whatever essential oil or lotion I was wearing that week or the homemade scented candles I used to burn: Rain, Jasmine, Tiffany, Rose, Honeysuckle, Patchouli….Now? Now it mostly smells like socks. Socks and Odor-Eaters.

There was a time when showering, dabbing on a light fragrance and moisturizing freshly shaven legs with subtle scented lotion was comment worthy. Now instead of hearing a deep inhalation and “God you smell amazing!” I hear (from the other room) “HAHAHAHA! Hey honey, come watch this guy get his ass kicked on Cops! I think they’re gonna sic the dog on him! HAHAHA!!!” I’m not saying I should be praised for bathing and I know the above statement kinda comes off that way. “Hey, way to go Aza, you washed your smelly butt today. Want a cookie or a gold star?”.

All I’m saying is I wish the little things still mattered or were at least commented on. I wish it was recognized that I run a household, make sure all of the bills get paid, do most of the shopping, cook most of the meals, pick up the occasional semester at school, go to the gym, try to look after my dad’s needs, and oh yeah, I have a job. It would be different if I stayed home all day and this was my job but running the house much less attempting to look cute in the process is just one of many. That’s why I wish my efforts were recognized rather than feeling like they‘re expected. So here’s a few tips for the guys in the audience…

~ Toilets don’t clean themselves…someone does that job. If you haven’t cleaned it lately, guess who has? The same rule applies to the sink, shower and floors.

~ If you’re gym sneakers don’t stink, guess why, because someone set them in the sun for a few hours or put some powder in them. You’re just going to have to trust me when I say the reason your nasty sneakers don’t stink IS NOT because your foot sweat doesn’t smell like ass.

~ When she says “We need to talk” chances are, as frivolous as you think the topic is, she thinks it’s life or death (or it at least feels that way to her). Now is not the time to lessen or downplay what she has to say or how she's feeling. Now is the time to listen with a compassionate ear and be ready to brain storm solutions with her until the crisis has passed (even if it was just in her mind all along).

~ If you wake up to find your hands soft, supple and moisturized it’s because someone was sweet enough to massage lotion into those hard, calloused, sand paper factories while you were sleeping. Contrary to popular male belief (and it seems like only married men believe this) hands are not self lubricating and there is no such thing as lotion fairies. Let’s face it, for most men the only thing your hands got moisturized with before you got married was with K-Y or Jergens and it wasn‘t because you were interested in your hands appearance or even skin care in general.

~ Women are born soft however, we have to work at it to stay that way. Why do you think the lotion, shampoo/conditioner, body wash, foot care, essential oil and exfoliating product industry is an actual industry…because we make it one. We buy all of that crap to stay soft, moisturized and smelling pretty.

~ Please do not take for granted the effort we go to. Just think of it this way- If we didn’t go to the trouble, we’d smell and feel like you. Now ask yourself this, “Do I want to have sex with something that bathed in cologne, has rough hands and creepy feet?” It’s not an appealing thought is it?

~ If you’re pissed off or angry about something for God’s sake SAY SOMETHING! The “silent treatment” is all of the following: cruel, childish, selfish, hurtful and shows major power and control issues on your part.

~ If you walk into a clean room yet you know you didn’t leave it that way when you left for work that morning, I promise it wasn’t house cleaning gnomes. Someone went to work, worked a 9 hour shift, came home and cleaned up after you right before starting dinner.

~ Bitching about dinner isn’t conducive to it being made often. Do not complain when there isn’t enough salt, pick up a salt shaker and use it. Do not complain when it hasn’t hit the table fast enough, walk your butt into the kitchen and ask if there’s anything you can do to help (please attempt to make it sound sincere).

~ When you walk into a room, see candles burning, hear soft music playing, smell a heavenly scent and see a scantily clad woman before you with lust in her eyes….SHE’D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU! Kicking off your shoes and turning on the television will not only fuck up her self esteem it will simultaneously hurt her feelings and piss her off.

~ Similarly, when she walks into a room fresh out of a hot bath or the shower draped in a towel, stops at the door and says or does something sexy with lust in her eyes…again (and I'm really stressing these)…SHE’D LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU! Turning back to the television and saying something stupid will not only fuck up her self esteem it will simultaneously hurt her feelings and piss her off.

~ Intentionally withholding sex will as mentioned above, fuck up her self esteem and simultaneously hurt her feelings and piss her off. Instead of fantasizing about you…. having sex with her when she masturbates, she will fantasize about you….. getting served.

~ When she says “I could really use some support right now” pulling out your cell phone to play the latest downloaded game or turning on the television is just plain rude. It is at this time that it would be in your personal best interest to take 5 minutes out of your busy schedule, remember all of the times she has been there for you and give her those 5 minutes. I can almost guarantee you she is not looking for solutions, instant answers or a quick fix. She's probably just seeking a shoulder and an ear. Remember the old saying “A burden shared…” yeah, that’s the point.

This is the short, short, short list guys, feel free to share it with your friends. To sum it all up in a single sentence “Showing gratitude gets you laid while making those laying you feel good about themselves and all they do”. It really is a win-win situation. It all boils down to a touch of gratitude and a bit of appreciation goes a long way in a woman‘s world.

Do I feel better now that I wallowed in pity? Nope, cause I know it won’t do a damn bit of good.

“Milestones” and “That’s why it looks like that“…

Milestone #1- Eleven days ago…. I. Quit. Smoking.

Seriously.

This is HUGE!

Here’s why- I’ve smoked for nearly 20 years. Yes, you read that right. Nearly 20 years. Seriously, do the math. I’m 28, my mom was killed in the car accident when I was 11 and I started smoking a few years prior to her death. Everyone I’ve told that to gets the same sorry ass “That can’t be true” look on their face. Well screw you, it is. I smoked my first cigarette at 8 or 9- it was a way to cope.

I’ve attempted to quit twice before- both were failed attempts lasting only a day or less (I actually smoked while on the patch). What makes this attempt different is A/ It’s been 11 days! and B/ I’m using Chantix (a smoking cessation drug that just recently hit the market). I started taking it December 25th with a quit date of January 1st (you’re supposed to start taking the drug 7 days prior to your quit date). Of course D and I got into a giant fight Jan.1st (Milestone #2- which also happened to be our 9th year wedding anniversary) so the date got pushed up a few days…the 4th. So here I sit, 11 days into being a “non-smoker”. I can’t believe prior to my starting the habit in the first place that that’s the longest I’ve ever been a non-smoker.

Oh, and since I’ve not had a cigarette in 11 days I’d like to share a little secret I’ve learned while in public and at work; this secret is for all of you smokers out there (and yes, this applied to me 11 days ago). Ready? Here it is…You fucking stink!!! Seriously you smell bad, really bad!

And

That’s why it looks like that…

It just recently dawned on me after the untimely death of my 1 year and 1 month old laptop (burn in hell you piece of crap!) that my fonts don’t come through for everyone so my headers that were in “freehand591 bt” made it look like “SURREPTITIOUS PSYCHOSIS” instead of freehand591 bt. To fix the problem I put in a back up code that looks somewhat similar to freehand, hence the corsiva back up.