Fuck Off Friday

Welcome to the third installment of “Fuck Off Friday”! The “Fuck Off Friday” journey began with this post. With all of the people, places, and things I’d like to tell to “Fuck Off” an idea was born. Can’t say it on your own blog but feel the need to tell someone, someplace or something to fuck off? Jump in and leave your very own special fuck off dedication in the comments.

Fuck Off Methadone Addict! I put up with pieces of shit like you in the pharmacy I slave at every day. I listen to your fucked up stories and lies every time you pick up your Methadone (my tax dollars pay for). You say you’re in a “program” and you’re getting your life straight. What the fuck ever! Every month you pop up with new burn marks on your fingers and lips. Instead of following that program and shaking the crack monkey, you enjoy being anally assaulted by him and the Methadone monkey. I do not pity you. You are a sorry piece of shit that will end up taking up space in an unmarked grave in potter’s field! You know who I pity? I pity the Morphine addict that is addicted to the shit because they’ve spent years in pain fighting cancer. Unlike you, they aren’t addicted by choice and they are literally fighting- for their lives. They aren’t offered a program, they aren‘t offered free drugs. The government gives you drugs to shake your habit which you turn into another habit. Meanwhile my cancer, Hep., HIV, MS., etc. patients suffer and die miserably because they can’t afford their medication. You want some sympathy asshole? Look it up in the dictionary. Here’s a hint for you….it’s between shit and syphilis!

Fuck Off Dog! I love you but damnit, your decision to fuck with that cat has had me worried sick! You know better!

Fuck Off Fellow Commuter! I didn’t have to let you out in traffic, I could have left your ass sitting there for another hour. What? It’s too much trouble to ask the person on your cell to hold a moment so you can acknowledge that I did something nice for you with a nod or wave, you ungrateful traffic Nazi? Well to hell with you and lesson learned! If I see you again not only will I not let you out I’ll get out of my car and explain to the person behind me why they shouldn’t let you out either! As Lushy would say; "Where’s my courtesy wave motherfucker!?"

Fuck Off Krazy K and Pitiful J! How fucking hard is it to pick up your phone and call dad for father’s day!? He did the best he could raising us as a bi-lateral paraplegic, that worked his ass off every fucking day, while fighting for his and our sanity because of an abusive alcoholic wife/mother. So she kills herself in a car accident 17 years ago and you two split. That’s real fucking nice. He’s an amazing person and a great dad; he deserves better than that. Every holiday I watch you break his heart and every holiday I hate you a little more for it. Ya know what really makes me sick? If either of you sorry fuckers called today he’d pick right up where you left off and be grateful for the call. Fuck both of you! I take comfort in knowing that you’ve got a special place reserved in hell for the way you‘ve treated him. And when you get there, give mom my best!

Fuck Off Shitty Tattoo Artist! You could have fucking warned me that you were starting- then maybe I wouldn’t have jumped and you wouldn’t have “slipped”. Now I’m going to have to get it fixed you retarded douchbag! Unlike you, my body isn’t covered in 8 billion flaming fucking skulls- that tattoo is a tribute to my dad; it means a lot to me- thanks for fucking that up.

And there you have it! That concludes this weeks craptastic Fuck Off Friday! Didn’t like it? Feel free to add yourself to the list.

I’d have cried if I thought it’d do any good

The other day was off to a fan-fucking-tastic start! Let me tell you all about it...

So, I get to sleep around 6am only to be ripped awake by my dog freaking the hell out at 7. I woke with such a start I scared the hell out of the cat who was sleeping peacefully on my left leg. Said fear drove said cat into attempting to not so surgically remove my leg. The dog only goes this nuts when someone is trying to come on the property without introductions. So I throw on a robe ignoring my bloody stump of a leg and stomp outside with the intention of shredding the fucker that has my dog going insane at 7am and who is now in my mind responsible for my leg getting torn to hell. What do I find? Cujo….in the driveway……attempting to kill the neighbors cat. My dog, who loves my (INDOOR ONLY) kitties and is fiercely protective over them. So naturally I yelled “WTF!!!!!!!”, he spun around with a shocked look on his fat doggie face and yelled back “OH SHIT!!!!” and then proceeded to take off running.

Now let me just say, I’ve been doing rescue and rehab for way too many years to have this kind of bullshit go down on my property. Everyone gets along or there’s hell (in Aza form) to pay. I immediately went to aid kitty who was pretty fucked up by the whole experience. The entire time all I could muster for rational thought aside from veterinary first aid was “What the fuck was that dog thinking!?!? He knows better!!!”. He had retreated to his run which I promptly locked him in (for his safety). I gave the cat some water and came back inside to tell Dad what was going on and call D for secondary advice.

What did I get from these two mental giants? Dad: “Well since the dog is locked up the cat will go home right?” Me: “Dad, it would appear from her breathing that the cat has at least two broken ribs, maybe a punctured lung and is in general pretty fucked up from what I can tell without being at the clinic”. Dad: “I’m not sure what to do, you worked at a vet so you know what to do right?” Me: “This is fucking ridiculous! That damn dog!!!”

I called D. Me: “You’re not going to believe what the fucking dog did!!! Blah, blah, blah -insert story here-. And so now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who the cat belongs to, she is not critical so I don’t see rushing to the E.R. clinic (plus, I don’t trust the sorry sack of skin on call there this morning) but she needs a vet, D. What the fuck was he thinking!? We have baby KFC refugees* running the property that he hasn’t so much as looked at twice. He’s great with our kitties!” D: “Hon, all I can suggest is you wait for the regular vet to open and take her in.” Me: “I refuse to bring this cat inside. I don’t know her health and I’ll be damned if I risk our kitties with FeLV or FIV (two of which are FeLV positive as it is).” D: “Well, you’re going to have to figure something out, I’ve got to go back to work.” Me: “This is fucking ridiculous! That damn dog!!!”

As I’m going back outside I decided to put her in a large carrier, wait for the vet to open and take her in. When I get back around to the driveway I see her at the front of the property jumping the fence heading back in the direction that I can only guess she lives.

So then the neighbors dogs who run the streets because those white trash fuckers next door have no regard for the leash law, their animals safety, etc. etc. etc. chase the cat under my car. Well this sends me over the fucking top. I’ve not gotten any decent sleep in days, my leg is encrusted with a pint of dried blood, my dog is an idiot and my dad and D at this point aren’t far behind the dog in my opinion. So I chased the neighbors dogs off; while doing so, kitty disappeared. The whole situation had me so mad I was ready to start at the beginning of the street knocking on doors and beating the ever loving shit out of anyone who answered while lecturing them on the importance on indoor kitties, fully fenced property for roaming dogs, leash laws that apply to both dogs and cats and overall respect for the neighbors who take proper care of their pets and are in general, not white trash.

I came back inside, took half a Klonopin to avoid an impending panic attack which also pissed me off because I haven’t taken one in weeks now. I sit down, take a deep breath and try to relax. I have to go to work today. It’s over, I’m going to nurse my frayed nerves and try to get a few more hours sleep. Then I hear a boom in the distance. A boom that sounds just like a power transformer blowing up. I sat back and started to laugh- seconds later, the power goes out. Now I can’t go back to sleep even if I was calm enough and wanted to because the alarm has a dead back up battery.

The power came back on pretty quick so then I sat there wondering- What’s next?

And then a bunch of other stupid crap happened and stuff. And I'm still a week later worried sick about the kitty.

You're a bad dog!!!

* The “KFC refugees” are a flock of baby chickens that magically appeared out of nowhere. One day a few weeks back I walked out to the garden and there they were. So naturally I granted them political asylum, went to the feed and grain store and bought them food. FEMA apparently doesn’t give a shit about refugee chickens.

Well that killed 10 minutes...

Scary Monster over at Me No Blog had an excellent idea…here’s what he said…

“This time Me believes that me has found a way to tie in a new concept that will allow every one to participate in the post thereby forming a web within the web.
Iffin ya don't understand what me be talkin about then yer in good company.

Below is a joke.
whether it be good or bad doesn't really matter.

What does matter is that Me will post the punch line in me comments section.

Me would be extremely grateful iffin you could post a single punchline to a joke that you like in the comments section as well and then post the body on your blog. This way folks that visit will see only the punchlines and have to visit you to get the whole gag.

This just might be a fun way to tie all our posts together for a short time.Give it a shot, It will be cool!”

Which I think actually translates into….

Post a single punch-line to a joke (good or bad) that you like in the comments section and then post the body on your blog. This way folks that visit will see only the punch-lines and have to visit you to get the whole gag.

So here goes…

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?

I’m sick

“Yes Aza, that’s more than apparent”, shouts the peanut gallery!

Nooo, I’m actually physically ill. Sorta.

I haven’t felt worth a damn for three days now. Today it became impossible to ignore and or hide so I went to the doctor when I was supposed to go to work. She thinks I have a tummy virus, I think it’s just stress. After all, stress does tend to manifest in weird ways. So anyway, I’m not going to work and I feel guilty as hell. I feel guilty because I feel like I’m playing hooky. I’ve gone to work feeling so much worse than this; I have punched my 8 to 9 hours and had a smile on my face in the process when I should have been in the hospital. Not today, today I’m coddling myself when I should rock up and get my ass in gear. Doc said “You look like crap. Go home, go to bed and drink lots of fluids.” Is she basing her diagnosis on my appearance? If so, 6 days out of 7 I should be in the morgue. I always look like this. The only difference between today and any other day is a tummy ache, chills and my color is a little “off”. And this is what I will continue to do to myself all day. I’ll sit here telling myself what a huge asshole I am for “letting people down” or “pissing everyone off” until I get so discombobulated I get up, throw on some scrubs and go in- which will only make the duration of my stomach virus/stress last longer and make me hate the people I work for/with even more. I fucking hate that about myself.

Why can’t I just lay here, watch espn, sip ginger ale, relax, try to get my stomach in order and not give a shit?

Fuck Off Friday

Welcome to the second installment of a series I like to call “Fuck Off Friday”. I inadvertently began “Fuck Off Friday” with this post- which began on a Tuesday but that's beside the point. So, with all of the people, places, and things I’d like to tell to “Fuck Off” an idea was born. It's a great way to end the week. Plus, I really don’t feel like I vent in the form of vulgar, nasty rants nearly enough.

Can’t say it on your own blog but have a burning need to tell someone, someplace or something to fuck off? Feel free to leave a fuck off dedication in the comments.

Where to start…

Fuck Off Bachelorette! I just dropped over $100.00 on a gift for you and I don’t even know you that well. I hate feeling cornered into doing something nice simply because I work with the asshat I’m doing it for. That hot little number I bought you from Fredrick’s of Hollywood should be mine! We both know I’d look better in it anyway.

Fuck Off Amazon Seller! You put a CD I wanted up for sale, I buy it, then you inform me via email that you’re giving me my money back and will not be sending the CD. What was your excuse? “Memo from seller: Dear Customer, Sorry for the inconvenience but the item you ordered did not meet our quality control standards. Please contact us if you have any questions.” Yeah, I’ve got a question alright; What the fuck does that mean!? Why did you list the fucking CD in the first place if it “did not meet [y]our quality control standards”? Wait, don’t answer that because I already know! You listed it with no intention of selling it just to piss me the fuck off! Mission accomplished! Thanks for wasting my time.

Fuck Off Birth Control Manufacturers! And thanks for making me feel inept! The 7 “placebo” pills you provide me at the end of each pack that do absolutely nothing were put there just to mock me weren’t they? You insert 7 useless pills into the pack because you assume I’m a moron that can’t take a useful pill everyday for 21 days then stop for 7 days and pick back up on the eighth day. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not stupid. I don’t need to take a useless pill everyday for 7 days to remember where I left off. I’ve been in ownership of my vagina for 28 years now. I think I can handle it thankyouverylittle.

Fuck Off Norton! Yeah, I know my subscription ran out last week. You don’t have to remind me with that asinine little “You’re going to get hard drive herpes if you don’t purchase a renewal RIGHT NOW!!!!” pop up. Fuck you and your hard drive herpes- I’ll renew when I feel like it.

Fuck Off Burger King Employees! Have it your way, right away? Yeah well, not so fucking much apparently! My order wasn’t that difficult, really. A grilled chicken sandwich with only mustard, mayo and cheese & a large Sprite. How can you fuck up something so incredibly simple? What did you give me? A fried piece of shit you laughingly call a chicken sandwich with a pile of mustard on it the size of New Hampshire. It’s not grilled, it doesn’t have cheese on it and not a dab of mayo in sight. Oh, I ate it, just to spite you sonsofbitches! This is my lunch break you’re fucking with here people- thanks for ruining it!

And that concludes this week's craptastic Fuck Off Friday! Thanks for playing along!