Uh, okay

This was jacked from The Cynical Girl 1.0.

1. You are in the Witness Protection Program and must invent a new first, last, and middle name. What is it?

Cooter Wilber Jones

2. You are in a threesome with two famous people, alive or dead.

Matthew Porretta & Vin Diesel & Nic Cage & Johnny Depp & Bruce Campbell & The guy who invented K-Y &....

3. You are in charge of naming your new band. What's the name of the band?

“The Boondogglers” or “Hootie and the Blowfish 2” I believe in democracy, I’d let the rest of the band vote on it.

4. You are going to get a free tattoo. What would it be?


"God’s Guffaw" or "If found, please return"

5. You are being forced to listen to one song over and over, ad infinitum, as a form of torture. What song is it?

The Song That Never Ends

6. You are leaving your state/province. What state do you move to?

Sanity

7. You are leaving your country, where would you move?

Two weeks from anywhere

8. You get to choose one book as the best ever written. What book do you choose?

The dictionary

9. You get to choose one movie as the best ever made. What movie do you choose?

Kung Pow: Enter The Fist

10. You get to spend one day each as a bird, an insect, and a mammal. What bird would you be? What insect? What mammal?

Mocking Bird, Stink Bug, Elephant

11. You must relive one year of your life. Which would you like to relive?

1979

12. Which year(s) would you least like to relive?

87, 88, 89 and 90- four close family members died, one per year. My childhood fucking sucked because of that.

13. You have a time machine that will take you backwards anywhere from 1800 to the present. What decade do you most want to visit?

The 60’s so I could warn my dad

14. You must choose to go skydiving or very-deep-sea diving.

Deep sea diving

15. You get to return to the past (using that handy dandy time machine we were talking about before) and have a sexual encounter with a rock star who is no longer alive. Who do you pick?

The Big Bopper

16. You get to be a contestant on any game show, airing today or in the past. What show do you want to be on?

The Gong Show

17. You are given $1 million dollars but you must give it all to one charity. What charity do you choose?

ALDF

18. You must ban one word from the dictionary and all usage, to be no longer uttered or written. What word do you ban?

The “N” word, I’m fucking sick of it!

19. You can have 100 million dollars tax-free but if you take it, you'll die at the age of fifty. Do you take it?

Yep

20. There is no number 20.

Whatever

My flip flop

An evening at the cuss-capades

Yeah, I bleeped it. I bleeped it because it wasn’t just hurtful, it wasn’t just South Parkesque, it wasn’t just foul. It was all of those things and more. If she ever came across that entry- the message and feelings behind it were harsh enough, the bleeps were just overkill. My intention isn’t to hurt her it’s to vent how frustrated I am. If I wanted to hurt her, I’d print out the below entry unedited and hand it to her with a big smile on my face.

If that entry were about anything other than some poor kid at my job just trying to cope (and unfortunately making life very hard on those around her) I wouldn’t have censored it. But the facts are, she’s having a hard time which has caused a chain reaction.

Why not just delete it altogether? Because if I did that it would rob me of a justified vent. I felt it, I said it, I decided to edit it. In my mind it was a compromise. And that’s it.

*sigh* me and my hissy fits....and the fucking guilt that follows.

Bootstraps- a work related rant

I’m desperately seeking to regain some semblance of peace, patients and tolerance. So I’m going to have myself a good old fashioned fit. I’m going to kick, scream and curse- get it all out of my system and hopefully move the bleep on with my life.

This is an entry you might want to skip. The countdown to me showing my bleep begins now. 5...4...3...2...

Military wife is bleeping me the bleep off. Today I got called by the 19 year old boss telling me I had to add either tomorrow or Monday to my work schedule. Why? Because military wife needs to spend yet another bleeping extended weekend at home with her parents. Why? Because she was informed today that the military won’t be buying her a plane ticket to fly half way around the planet to ‘visit’ with her husband who is stationed for the next 6 months in another country. She’s bleeping depressed about it and showing her bleep. So everyone at work now has to bow down and reschedule their bleeping lives around her, AGAIN! This is not the first time we’ve been through this and I’m sure it won’t be the last. This bleep started nearly a month before he even left. Here are a few points I’d love to get off of my chest…

1/ BLEEP YOU!!!! Men are bleeping dying in a desert right now and wives are being notified by the evening bleeping news! Your husband is stationed far, far away from insurgents, Osama Bin-bleeping-Laden, death and all of the horrors associated with sand, hot bleeping climates and war. These poor women being notified won’t have the luxury of seeing their husband in five or six months, they just got told he’s never coming home!

2/ The wives of these men at WAR go to bleeping work every bleeping day. They live, they work, they take care of their families, they support each other. They have more strength and intestinal fortitude in their weakest moments than you do in your strongest.

3/ I’d LOVE for you to meet some of the military women I know, start your bleeping about how you only spoke to your husband three bleeping times today(!!!), and I’d love even more to watch them kick your sniveling bleep (considering some of them haven‘t heard their husbands voice for months).

4/ You need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get the bleep over yourself, dear child. You’re lucky and you’re a bleeping bleep for not seeing that.

5/ Contrary to what you believe YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY BLEEPING WOMAN GOING THROUGH THIS!!!!! When this fact is mentioned to you, you bleeping ignore it and start whining, tears and all, about how no one could possibly know how hard this is. Did I mention, BLEEP YOU!!!?

6/ I’LL buy you the bleeping plane ticket to go visit him AND cover your bleeped shifts (AGAIN!!!) if you will do your bleeping job, show some bleeping pride and shut the bleep up when you get back!

And finally,

7/ I will not be held responsible for my actions if you look at another woman who just bleeping said “I’M GOING THROUGH THIS TOO. IT'LL BE OKAY“ and blow her off. I’ve seen you do this twice now and each time I’ve come a little closer to slapping the whining bleep out of you. These people are reaching out to you, bleep. They’re trying to show you what strength is and you’re spitting in their face you inconsiderate bratty little bleep!

P.S.

Thanks for continuing to bleep everyone (and their families) in the bleep by making the schedule revolve around you! (for the 50th bleeping time this month)

Mental health, or lack thereof

My primary MD doesn’t want to give me any more refills. She says she’s not ’qualified’ to deal with “mental health” issues. She’s carried me on refills for two years now. I explained “They’re just panic attacks (with a little depression, a hint of rage and a touch of psychotic behavior sprinkled atop for good measure), Doc. Nothing more, nothing less. Let’s not make a big issue out of the situation.” Nope, two years is apparently long enough.

So I made an appointment with yet another psychiatrist and yet another counselor. Yet another? Yes, yet another.

Notes to self…

~ You know you’re fucked up when your psychiatrist informs you in a letter that you’re not “invited” back to his office.

~ When you’re pissed off at your psychiatrist and they ask “What are you thinking?” LIE.

~ When asked to explain what a “Columbian Necktie” is. LIE.

~ Do not psychoanalyze your therapist until she begins to cry and tell you about her abusive parents.

~ Remember that your sense of humor is ‘off’. Most people in the mental health field do not think you’re funny, they think you need to be committed, need stronger drugs or both.

~ If you don’t like your therapist, do not continue to go and finally in the middle of your sixth session (after spending six co-pays) exclaim gleefully “Now I know why I hate you!” and then proceed to explain that the only reason you kept coming back after the first visit was to figure out why you hated them.

~ Just because your mother screwed the family counselor doesn’t mean you have a license to emotionally destroy every counselor you come in contact with.

~ When you’re threatened with Baker Act, smiling and with a shrug saying “I’ll get out sooner or later” probably isn’t a good idea. That’s called an “implied threat” and it‘s rather childish.

~ Seeking out and randomly touching on your therapists worst fears throughout your session, isn’t conducive to healing. It fucks with their head. It’s also considered in polite society to be ‘rude’.

~ Discussing the pros and cons of crunchy peanut butter for half an hour is a waste of $175.00

~ Deciding you’re going to hate your counselor (before you’ve even met the man) just because his name is ‘George’ and insisting on pronouncing his name in Spanish is just plain ridiculous.

These are just a few nuggets of wisdom I’ve learned while seeing therapists, counselors, psychologists and psychiatrists over the years.

‘Productivity’ is my word for the upcoming month. And we all know the Latin root of Productivity is ‘refill’.

I need a break

I’ve been studying for the PTCE WAY too much! I'm starting to get concerned about the possibility of going into total burn out. Take for example Saturday night- at midnight I got a wild hair up my ass and decided D and I would get a ton of studying done at the 24 hour bowling alley. So I called Kira, bought some beer and off to the alley we went. I had to be responsible by making sure I was tucked into bed by 6am, considering I had to work Sunday and all.

Speaking of Sunday! Man, I studied so much I doubt I’ll ever look at a book the same way again. I’m jaded! I got off work at 6pm, came home long enough to shed my scrubs- then off to the beach to study we went! Ate an amazing meal on the beach at Joe’s Crab Shack, had one too many sweet alcoholy things and the good lord knows you can’t eat and drink…uh, I mean “study”, without mini golf, video games and go-kart racing. Arriving home just after midnight I can’t bear the thought of looking at another book!

Now that 2am is rapidly approaching I think I’ll reward myself with a hot shower and some T.V. time. I’ve earned it! I’ve got to go to work in a few hours. Hopefully I’ll have a good day, though my arm is rather sore from holding those books up to my face all weekend (oh, and patting myself on the back for being so dedicated to preparing myself for the PTCE).

HA HA!

Keeping in mind that one man’s version of retarded is another’s version of genius….



You might think that Paul Reubens is one the smarmiest men on the planet (and I might agree based on his arrest history) but his alter-ego Pee-Wee Herman is pure comedy genius. He’s the cracked out human version of Spongebob Squarepants. It’s the little things in life, people. I feel like divinity smiled briefly upon me when I heard Adult Swim will be airing all of the Pee-Wee’s Playhouse episodes (starting July 10th). Can't believe it either? Click on Mr. Wee's face. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. What? You think it’s dumb? Well, I know you are, but what am I?! You handle your panic attacks however you want, jackass. I’ll handle mine with a little Pee-Wee.

Happy Father's Day!

In light of joining D.W.D.L.D.S.O.C (that's Daughter's Who Don't Let Dad's Surf On Commodore) and Father's day- I'm buying you a new computer, dad.

The one you currently have is a piece of crap.

Walking dead.....with a check list

Pharmacy pre-test taken and passed: check
Ass officially worked off in the last week: check
Still breathing: check
New scrubs: check
Panic attack over taking the actual test: check

Refill on the Prozac….pending

A storm is ragin' and it isn't "Alberto"

Let’s get ready to ruuuummmmbbblllllle!

When we fight, we fight like caged rabid wolverines. When we get along, we’re each others best friend and personal super hero. I love him and he loves me but Jesus Christ I’d like to punch the smart into him some days!

D is a Scorpio so naturally he thinks he’s never wrong. I am a Sagittarius so naturally I think he’s always wrong (because he is!). And both of us will hold our respective position until….forever. When we argue it’s a no holds barred three day long ex-crap-aganza. If there was a Pay-Per-View event called Extreme Verbal Championship Fighting, we’d be the main event and you’d get your moneys worth (and probably talk about it for years to come). I can’t stand it. I’m getting too old for it. So now, after our latest (going into the third day) argument I feel like I have to legally have my name changed back to my maiden. Why? To make a fucking point, that’s why. Drastic shit. That’s what I have to do to get through that (at times) thick skull of his. I don’t mean divorce here, I mean going down to the local courthouse and paying the 300 some odd dollars to restore my maiden name. And on the paperwork where it asks why, my response is going to be…

“I’m making a point to my idiot husband and that point is- When you do stupid shit that reflects poorly on you, it reflects poorly on anyone who shares your name. ME. P.S. Quit being stupid!”

No, no, this isn’t over an affair or anything like that. If that had happened I wouldn’t need a name change, I’d need a damn good lawyer to get me off of murder 1 charges. This is over inconsiderate bullshit. An accumulation of inconsiderate bullshit.

I’m really, super beyond tired.

Safest state in the Union

Gov. Jeb Bush Unveils New Plan to Protect Florida from Hurricanes

State gives go-ahead to Trojan Company


Heya Jake, it's safe to come back now- bring Maevyn and the family!

Oh yeah, they’re cursing my name tonight

Poor kids, not a single one of them can hold a drink without being “wreaked”. They are so going to hate me tomorrow (I was buying)- at least military wife will. Dear child was actually trying to pace me! Ya can’t pace a (former hahahahaha!) alcoholic, hon. Five mixed drinks and two shots later….poor, poor girl.

The worst part? Heh, the 19 year old boss is probably holding military wife’s head while she projectile vomits. The best part? I drank more and feel fine.

Sadly, I’m almost sure bullshit will arise from this at work.

I’m taking Kira’s advice. ;)

A wee bit torn

One of my coworkers is a military wife. A young military wife. A young military wife who’s husband just got stationed in Italy for the next six months. She feels like an atom bomb just dropped on her life. I don’t blame her. So naturally, I’ve been trying to be Mrs. Supportive. One of my other coworkers mentioned something about all of us going out together for dinner or drinks or a girl's night out or something. I was like “Oh yeah, that might be fun” because I didn’t think it would actually happen. Yeah well, the idea took off. I got a call last night at work from another coworker (who happens to also be ‘the 19 year old’ and one of my bosses) saying “Hey, we’re going out tomorrow night and then we're all crashing at military wife's house, you’re invited, please come.” I said (trying to worm my way out of it) “Well, I’m working until 6 and D will be getting off around then, blah, blah, blah.” She wasn’t having any of it. “Aww, come on Aza! We‘re all trying to be supportive of military wife, it‘ll be fun and we’re waiting until you get off- blah, blah, blah.” But, but, but….

So I’m torn. On one hand: I drink with friends, I hang out with friends, these people are coworkers, not friends. I don’t like mixing my personal life with my job. I really don’t know these people. I mean, I know them but not real well. I hardly ever work with any of them because I work weekends and for the most part it‘s just the pharmacist and I. Let me reiterate, I’m like the outsider because I hardly work with any of them and they all hang out together on a regular basis on their off time (while I‘m working). On top of all of that, I’d hate to stick my foot in my mouth (which I tend to be very good at). Oh, and, drinking with minors (which two of them are) isn’t cool (even if they aren‘t drinking but those of us who are of age are).

On the other hand: They’re trying to include me and I kinda want to be included because I feel like “the” old lady (at the ripe old age of 27) of the pharmacy; I’m the oldest tech there (plus, I‘m the ‘outsider‘). I also want to be supportive and it might actually be fun.

In my head I still keep coming back to “I don’t like mixing my personal life with my job.”

But I don’t want to be a stick in the mud.

I'll probably end up going but only for a few hours, just to save face.

*sigh*

Finally Found It

We all knew it had to exist somewhere!

You better watch your….ass?

So dad ran some errands last night. A few hours into them I called his cell to see how he was fairing and when he expected to be done. Here’s how the call went…

Me: Hey dad, just wanted to see how things were going, have you made it to Wal-Mart yet?

Dad: Actually, I’m leaving Wal-Mart now.

Me: Oh, you got your shopping done already?

Dad (sounding a little irritated): No

Me: Ut-oh, what happened?

Dad: Well, I got here and of course there were no parking spaces in front so I circled the lot a few times and waited for one to open up.

Let me stop the story here for those of you who are new here and don’t know my dad. My dad is a high functioning paraplegic. He can walk (hence the “high functioning” part) but uses two canes. He compares his gait to that of “a poor Charlie Chaplin impression”. Anyway, back to the story.

Dad: A lady started to pull out of one of the handicap spots so I hung my handicapped decal from the rear view and turned on my signal. As soon as the lady gets her car out of the spot a woman in another car comes flying into it. That woman stole my spot!

Me: Dad, you had your signal on, you were waiting and the decal was up, yes?

Dad: Yes

Me (getting irate because I don‘t like people screwing with my dad): Did you wait for her to get out of the car, then tell her to move her shit or you’d have it towed!

Dad: Aza! Of course I didn’t do that! Don’t judge me by your standards!

Me (feeling completely admonished): Well dad I’m just saying you were there first and now you're upset because you can’t find a space up front and you can’t walk the half mile from the outer section of the parking lot.

Dad: No, it’s fine. I’ll just come back later tonight when things slow down a bit.

Me: I didn’t mean to get foul, I just can’t stand hearing things like that. It’s rude.

Dad: No, no I understand. I’m sure it happened for a reason. Maybe she needed the spot more than me.

Me: Yeah, I guess

Dad: And if she doesn’t….I hope she gets diarrhea in the middle of Wal-Mart!

Me (laughing uncontrollably): So I can’t tell people to get their ass out of my parking space when I’ve been waiting but you can wish diarrhea on them?

Dad: Yeah, the explosive kind. Okay, I’m on the main road now, you need anything from the convenience store? Can I get you a Sprite?

Me (still laughing): Yeah, dad a Sprite would be good.

So the moral of the story? The next time you jap some poor old disabled man or woman out of their parking spot and you feel a grumble in the pit of your gut, you’ve just had diarrhea wished on you. And you deserve it!

WTF!!!???

What happened to my blogroll??? What happened to everyone's blogroll??? I'm going to be so beyond pissed if this isn't just a temporary technical difficulty!


This really sucks!!!!

-UPDATE-

Well, the blogroll is back up and running, now my moon thingy seems to be crapping out.

This still sucks, just a little less.

-UPDATE-

My moon thingy is working now too.

What have I learned from this little "glitch"?

1/ It would probably be a good idea to save those on my blogroll in my favorites so I don't go into another full scale panic attack over temporarily losing my roll.

2/ Check to see if Mercury is in retrograde.

and

3/ Get a refill on my Prozac.

What brings you here, Dearie?

Google told me you came in search of...

"tracker 900 carpet extractor" (This one hit twice. I have no clue what it is.)

"18 fingers of death" (This one hit twice, too. Someone else out there digs shitty indie films!)

"college until I was 24" (Now I don't feel quite as bad.)

"Aza" (Heh, being called out by name!)

"phantasmagoricaldreams.blogspot.com" (You rang?)

"psychosis blank" (What is a psychosis blank?)

"Psychosis genius people" (Why thank you, yes, we are!)

"what secrets do you know about ptce exam" (If I knew secrets regarding that damn exam, I wouldn't be sweating balls over passing it.)

And my personal favorite from Ixquick Metasearch.....drum roll please......

"Saggy Sacs"

Oh, yeah.

Guys Gone Wild!

Have you see these retarded commercials? I knew the world was in bad shape but shit, I didn't know we were this bad off!

Hmm, it's a Friday night. I'm a chick and I have nothing to do. Oh fret, what ever shall I do? I've Got It! I'll sit here in front of the T.V. and watch a bunch of hairy sacs bounce around. Yeah! That'll turn me on! Big, hairy, floppity, creepy looking sacs.

See here's the thing, I'd have to say on average, women are imaginative enough to not need hairy bouncing sacs floppin' around on their televisions. No offense to the guys out there that can't "function" or "function happily" without the aid of Girls Gone Wild.

To the people that buy that stupid shit here's a concept for you; take a class at your local community college on creative/independent thinking. Or better yet, buy a fuckin' book. You know, the kind without pictures. I mean come on ladies, lets raise the bar a little for crying out loud! This shit should be featured on Animal Planet, and it should be aired backed against apes throwing feces at each other.

I don't mind saying it, "Screw you, producers of stupid shit! Screw you for thinking I'm retarded. Screw you for thinking all it takes to get my engine started is a goofy, saggy sac or two bouncing down the beach. You have grossly underestimated this set of ovaries!"

Just on G.P. I hope all of the guys on that video get testicular torsion. Now that would be worth watching! "Testicles Gone Wild!" or "When Testicles Attack!" that's what I'd call it! And I'd feature it on all of the chick channels; We and LRW and Oxygen and LMN and Lifetime!